...always room for one more!

Apology

2010-08-07T17:03:00.003-04:00

I want to apologize to all of my readers. I am so sorry I haven't written before this. I just couldn't.

The director of the mission where I am a missionary felt that it was not a good idea for the missionaries to have a blog or a facebook and I was told this back in March. I had to make a decision. If I wanted to be a missionary I had to give up my blog. It broke my heart so much that I haven't looked at my blog or anyone else's since then. I decided to make another year of promises back on Divine Mercy Sunday and gave up my blog. It has been very difficult for me.

I just now am able to start reading other blogs and I will check in on my friends in the blogging world within the next few days. I am giving up my blog for now, but I make my missionary promise one year at a time, so if I ever decide that God has another plan for me, I will be back to writing.

If you want to keep in touch with me, my email address is missionmama@roadrunner.com. Please feel free to write to me. I am allowed to make comments on other people's blogs and so I will be able to keep in touch too.

Please keep me in your prayers. I am still unsettled about all of this but I want to live God's will for my life. For right now, this is it, and out of obedience, I give up my blog.

My hubby did not become a missionary this year due to being in school and a promotion at work- yea! But he is so wonderful and so supportive! I am blessed.

Thank you everyone for all of your support!

In His Mercy, Michelle

The Song I Played In Our 5000 Sq. Ft Hotel Room

2010-03-08T20:46:00.001-05:00

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We danced in the dining room. It was so romantic!

My Wonderful Birthday

2010-03-08T20:29:00.002-05:00

My birthday was Saturday and I had the most amazing day! It was just awesome. I got to go to Mass at the Carmelites with my son John Paul, and my friend Ellen and her son. Then I got to spend time with my spiritual director. I love my time with her, it is so precious to me. She is my best friend and mentor.

In the afternoon I took my two youngest girls to Chuck E Cheese for a mission child's birthday party. It was absolutely insane, about five hundred kids and their parents, twenty birthday parties all going on at the same time, one hundred crying children, and lots and lots of noise. And my girls had a ball. Teresa cried because she didn't want to leave.

Then the best thing of all!! My hubby and I went to spend the night at the Hyatt. He got an off season deal on their VIP suite and surprised me. 5000 sq. ft of a suite! Bigger than my house. Two bathrooms, a dining room, a bar area, a sitting area. A jacuzzi tub, stereo system, flat screen tv... the works. It was amazing!!! He also took me out to dinner, but I could not get over that room!! At night from the window of the sitting room I could see the city of Buffalo, the lights were so amazing. It was stunningly beautiful. I felt like a queen.

Do I have the best husband in the world or what? Oh, did I mention that he had two dozen roses waiting for me on the bed, two dozen purple roses, my favorite color. And a romantic card.

Is there any question why we have been married twenty years! The man outdoes himself every time. He gets better and better.

It was the best birthday I ever had. Thank You God for my hubby, my spiritual mama, my children and my family. And a special thanks for my friends near and far who sent many greetings. I am a blessed, blessed woman.

Lighter, Fluffier Me, Well, Maybe Not

2010-03-01T21:54:00.002-05:00

I have been writing such serious stuff lately, I thought maybe I would write something a bit more light. But I have to write about the things I think about,or am going through, and lately, it hasn't been light.

Today, I was thinking that I need to shut up. Sometimes, I just need to shut up. I don't allow the kids to use that phrase, in fact, in our household it is equivalent to a four letter word. But it is appropriate in this case.

I decided today that I need to stop myself from saying what I am thinking sometimes. I wish I had a built-in pause button, so I could stop to think, "Are you about to say something negative about someone?", and if the answer is "Yes", I would then redirect myself. And stop the verbal garbage from coming out.

Did you ever notice that even if you catch yourself in the middle of it, and you are standing there thinking, "I know I shouldn't be saying these things, maybe I should just stop now", a part of you thinks, "What the hay, I am already into this, why stop now?" and that is the part of you that wins out. Even if the teensy, weensy part of you is feeling like it took a football to the gut, you just can't stop the verbal diarrhea.

So, during Mass today, I prayed that God would help me to change this in myself. That even if I forget and am in the middle of it, I will have the strength and grace to stop. Apologize and change the subject. Sometimes, I feel like St. Faustina, who became discouraged when resolving to change something and then totally blowing it in the first hour. I, even more than St. Faustina, rely on myself. And I can't do that.

I need God to change my heart. I need God to change my thoughts. That is where the damage starts. In my heart and in my mind.

But I know one thing for sure, it has to change, right here, right now. And I need God's grace to do that. I am working on my holiness. With God's guidance, grace and love.

Even though like St. Faustina, I know once I get through one obstacle, ten more will take it's place. Life. Leads us to heaven, right?

Beautiful Funeral

2010-02-25T18:40:00.003-05:00

Penny's funeral yesterday was so beautiful. The church was full and it was just so wonderful to see all the lives she touched through the years.

Today I feel a bit empty. It's weird. When you concentrate on one thing for weeks at a time and then it's gone. Just so strange. Some moments I feel like a fish out of water.

It doesn't help that the dryer still isn't fixed. And it looks like my hubby's car has pretty bad issues.

Our days have been long. Sometimes I feel like I am on a ride that doesn't stop and I am going nowhere! And everything I touch breaks on it!!!!!

I was hoping for a snow day tomorrow. Maybe catch up on a few things. But I forget. We live in Buffalo. Not even snow days go the way you want here!!!

Fasting from my computer again tomorrow. Be back on Saturday hopefully! God willing.

Friday. I will be offering it all up!

Sending My Penny's Soul Off Tomorrow

2010-02-23T21:26:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow we will send my dear friend's soul off to heaven. We are having her funeral Mass tomorrow morning. We have a viewing first, then the Mass. Please pray for me.

You all know I am happy for Penny. And a bit jealous too. I mean, she is talking with Jesus. She doesn't have any more worries about bills, or illness, or anything. Just Jesus.

At the same time. I miss her. I miss taking care of her. I miss talking with her. The sense of loss is greater at times than others.

So please pray for me. Tomorrow is going to be a day. And a half.

Jesus, I trust in You.

The Devil Is After Meeeeee!

2010-02-22T20:03:00.002-05:00

Must be doing something right. The devil has taken two vehicles and a dryer from me. My husband is not allowing me to touch appliances or anything with a motor. This could work out in my favor as a stove is an appliance, as is the dishwasher!!!

Our van needed repairs and until today was out of commission for almost three weeks. At the end of the week our other car lost it's power steering. And then the last straw. Saturday night the dryer was going round and round, but no heat. This is a disaster in a family that has ten people who have become accustomed to wearing clothing.

And then I realized yesterday why this was happening. As I sat next to my candidate at the Rite of Election, my candidate who had been a drug addict for many, many years. Who had many children, with many different fathers, but has been clean for a long time, and starting life on her own, without a man living with her. My candidate who is excited about becoming Catholic and belonging to God now. She wants my hubby and I to be her youngest two children's Godparents. Yeah, that is why the devil hates me. I took a big time player from him. Helped bring her back to God.

No wonder. Just in case, the children must bring me my juice or hot tea. The refrigerator and the microwave are off limits to me. Until after the Easter Vigil.

Thank You All

2010-02-20T07:58:00.003-05:00

I just want to thank you all for your prayers. They mean so much to me. I gave up the computer, my ipod, television and texting on Fridays during Lent, so I couldn't write yesterday. I was so disoriented. Not just because I couldn't write, but because I have been organizing my life each day so that my household would run smoothly and I could get out to see Penny.

Yesterday for the first time, there was no Penny to see. I stood in our supermarket and wanted to cry. Usually I am rushing, thinking ahead, and I thought, "I don't have to rush anymore". She's gone.

It was so sad. But again, I am so happy for Penny. One of my friends hugged me yesterday and said, "Just think, she is talking about you right now with Jesus." That does excite me! I talked to Him all day yesterday. Just laid down in front of Him and prayed during Adoration. I took this journey with Him. And when I sat next to Penny and stroked her hair as she lay dying, I thought, "He finally has given me my desire, to sit at the foot of the cross! To be Mary Magdalene, to be St. John!!!!!" As far back as I can remember, maybe even as a child when we would do the Stations of the Cross during Lent, I wanted to be those two. I wanted to be there to comfort Our Lord.

On Thursday, He gave me the desires of my heart. Thank You Jesus.

RIP My Sweet Penny

2010-02-18T20:52:00.002-05:00

Penny passed away today at about 5:35pm. I was sitting by her side, stroking her hair, while I prayed a chaplet with two others from our mission family. Her son and daughter in law were there too, holding each other tight. As we neared the end of the Divine Mercy Chaplet, she drew her last breath, and then, peacefully, she was gone.

I will miss her terribly. These last few weeks with her taught me so much about life, and love, and God and death, and what is really, really, important in life. And what is not. I learned about myself. I learned about God's place in my life. I learned more in this past month then I have in almost 49 years of life.

I will never, ever, ever forget her, or what I learned these past four weeks. Last night I whispered in her ear that when it was my time to go, she needed to come for me with Jesus. I said, "Promise me that you will come to get me when it is my time. If I see you, I won't be afraid."

Right now in heaven, there is a soul talking to Jesus about me. Isn't that mind blowing? Isn't that awesome?

But for right now, the tears won't stop coming. I am grieving. Please pray for Penny's soul, and please pray for me.

Not Too Much Longer

2010-02-17T23:42:00.001-05:00

Saw Penny tonight for just a short while. Won't be much longer now. She may not even make it through the night. I thanked her, told her to let go and be with Jesus. And I asked her to meet me when my time comes so I won't be afraid.

Please pray for her.

Watching A Friend

2010-02-16T17:23:00.003-05:00

Watching a friend die is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have been through a lot in my life, but this is the hardest. Last night when I was with Penny, we were alone, and it hit me that this could be the last night I see her alive.

In a whoosh, all the nights I have spent with her lately came at me like a tidal wave. I realized that this has been a very special, grace filled time. One that I will never forget. And I also realized that I am going to miss her terribly. I whispered to her that I love her very much, and I told her that I was so sorry that she has to suffer like this. I told her that it has been my joy to take care of her these past few weeks. It really has.

I said all this as tears streamed down my face. Her eyes were closed but she heard me. She took some tissues and put them to her eyes, she wanted to cry, but she couldn't will the tears to come. I told her that I knew she loved me too, and she smiled. This time is so precious, so quiet, and intimate, and precious. I have been blessed by God to do this.

She had a coughing fit and I held her in my arms, wiped her mouth and she leaned her head on me, and I just held her close for a long time. Jesus. This is not me guys. I could never do this. Isn't our God amazing that He puts us in situations we never thought we could be in, and He helps us through them. He is so good. God is just so good.

He never leaves us alone. Even though sometimes we feel like we are alone. I have certainly felt His presence not only in Penny's room, but also in the halls of hospice. As I walk the halls, the first few weeks for my Penny, to get her some coffee, but now to get myself a cup of tea, I can feel Him there. Loving all those who lay there, dying, so close to seeing Him face to face. It's not a scary thing to me anymore. I feel Him there.

And even as I sit in my room, writing this, I feel Him with me. I don't know why He chose me to do this, to be a missionary, to love people so much, but He did. But I thank Him for my life, that He chose me. A mother of nine, wife, teacher, lover, friend.

He chose me.

I Write For Myself, Part 2

2010-02-15T10:48:00.002-05:00

My last post wasn't meant to slam anyone, especially any of my readers. The blog I read is someone who probably doesn't even read my blog. I just think it is wrong to start placing rules, regulations and restrictions, on what people should or should not write on their blogs. My philosophy is, if I don't like some one's style of writing or what they write about, well, I am not going to read it! Simple enough.

Writing for me is relaxation. It is getting all of these thoughts that swirl around in my head all day long, out, and just out there for any one who feels like it to share with me. I am not forcing any one to read my stuff, just like I don't have to read any one else's writings. This is enjoyment!!!

I read some blogs and I think they are pure poetry, like my blogger friends Anne and Christopher. Reading them is like reading a beautiful piece of literature. Others I read because they make me think, like Jennifer over at Conversion Diary, some make me laugh, like Fr. Dwight Longnecker, and some are just because I enjoy peeking into their lives because of their honesty, like my blogger friends, Allison and Kimberly.

Each one of the blogs I read, help me to feel like I am not the only one out there, I am not the only one who believes in God, who loves and serves Jesus with all her heart, and who loves being CATHOLIC!! A few minutes here, a few minutes there, and off I go, knowing I have brothers and sisters all over the world who are doing the same thing. Each with there own perspective, each with their own style of writing, each of them unique! Writing for themselves, and giving us a window to look into ourselves.

And then pondering it once again on our own blogs. It's truly amazing how God can use anything to bring us closer to Him. Who would have thunk that by reading someone else's blog, the reader can relate and then change something in their own life to become more like Christ. I bet it happens all the time.

It has happened to me. So thank you out there! Thank you for writing from your heart, thank you for not caring what other people think about your style of writing and just writing your thoughts and ponderings.

I look forward to reading much, much more. God willing.

I Write For Me

2010-02-14T01:30:00.002-05:00

I had a few minutes earlier today, or should I say yesterday because it is already tomorrow, er, today. Anyway, I was catching up on some blogs and I read something on one of them that I thought was a little too, oh, I don't know, maybe condescending about what people write on their blogs.

So I just want to say this. I write from my heart, I write from my own perspective on life. I am not trying to teach anything to anybody on purpose, but if you learn something when reading me, well great. I am not trying to tie up my life in a nice little package. Sometimes my life can be messy, as is everyone else's. If you learn from my messes, well, so be it. I am not an expert on anything. Not even on child rearing, even though I have nine of them. I am me. My life is not perfect and I make a lot of mistakes, say a lot of dumb things, second guess myself a lot, well, the list goes on and on.

I don't try to be funny on purpose but sometimes my life can be pretty funny. So I write it down. Sometimes my life is sad. Sometimes I am depressed, sometimes I am full of joy. All are reflected in my writings. And if you feel like you want to read me, well go ahead. There are some of you that I love to read. And I learn from you, and you learn from me. Isn't it great that God gave us this tool to help each other?

And then some intellectual type comes along and starts critiquing blogs. These are blogs for goodness sakes!!!! Not Pulitzer prize winning novels! It is supposed to be a person's thoughts, not a dissertation on life! Not a serious piece of work, but a work in progress. My life, your life, we are all a work in progress. And some of us work it out on our laptops every night. Trying to make sense of it all, trying to make sense of our lives. And sometimes others join us for the ride by reading our blogs.

I have no problem with that.

Bottom line: I write for me. And the people I enjoy reading the most, write for themselves and the rest of us are privileged to be along on that person's adventure.

So now can we stop taking these things so seriously and just have fun writing?

I Held Jesus Tonight

2010-02-12T23:45:00.002-05:00

Spent the evening with Penny. Helped her get dressed for bed, helped her to the bathroom. Went to the family kitchen area several times to heat up coffee, make her an icecream soda and helped get her bed set up.

And I thought of Jesus saying, "Whatsoever you do...."

And before I left, I held Jesus. I put Penny in my arms and held her broken body close to mine, and in that gesture, I saw her as Jesus.

Tonight, I held my suffering Jesus.

He Leadeth Me

2010-02-11T19:10:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago my good blogger friend/deranged Caps fan, Christopher, sent me a wonderful book by Fr. Walter J. Ciszek, S.J. called, "He Leadeth Me". As God will have it, I am also working on "Introduction to a Devout Life", by St. Francis De Sales. It's funny how God works things in a person's life, because these two books are the exact books I should be reading simultaneously!

They are both about totally abandoning oneself to God's will. Not conforming His will to yours, not even conforming yours to His, but completely, totally, abandoning yourself, and letting Him totally take over.

I began by realizing that on my own, not only will I muck things up, I will sin while doing it. God gives me the string and I hang myself with it every time. I trust in my own self, my own gifts and talents, (sometimes not even recognizing the One who gave me those gifts and talents), and I don't trust in Him. Him alone.

A profound statement in the book says this:" God must sometimes allow us to act on our own so we can learn humility, so we can learn the truth of our total dependence on Him, so we can learn that all our actions are sustained by His grace and that without Him we can do nothing-not even make our own mistakes."

Wow. Yeah. So very true. The Jesuit priest who wrote this book was writing about his experience of being a prisoner for over 23 agonizing years in Soviet prisons and Siberian labor camps. I am reading this thinking about how this man was in the worst possible situations known to mankind, at times living among people who acted more like animals than humans, and he found God there. He found God's will in his every moment. He fell back into the arms of God and each and every day, in each and every moment, He trusted in God to show him what to do. He didn't even fear death, because if that was what God wanted, well, than he would be with his Creator. So be it. He depended on God, and God alone.

Sometimes God leads us there. Sometimes He takes us to that place where we have to face horrifying things, suffering things, terrible injustices, so He can show us, that He is all that matters. That is it. Nothing can happen to me today unless God wills it, and if He wills it, He will get me through it. And sometimes I may think He is not helping me at all, but at those moments I need to go back to the drawing board and see where I am depending on myself instead of Him.

When I watch my Penny, sometimes she goes off to another place, she seems to nod off. She is present yet not present. I believe it is then that she is with God, someplace inside herself, just Penny and God. I also believe that each one of us will have our moments like that, where we realize it is just me and Him. Intimacy like we have never known with the One who knows us more intimately than even our spouses.

I am learning more and more, hell is not about fire and brimstone, wailing and gnashing of teeth because of pain and suffering. The wailing is due to the intense pain a soul must go through when he or she knows that they will never, ever be with God. To never see His face. To never be united with Him. That is hell. For all of eternity. Our souls hunger and thirst for Him, but souls in hell will never have that hunger satisfied, will never have their thirst quenched. My heart breaks for those souls. I pray for the souls here on earth who still have a chance, to live for God, to choose God. Before it is too late.

Our God is merciful. He loves us so much. He must cry over the souls who refuse Him, deny Him. He wants us to know and love Him. He loves us more than we could ever love Him.

He loves us more than we could ever, ever love Him.

God loves me.

God loves you.

Super Bowl Party!

2010-02-07T21:15:00.002-05:00

Let me start off by saying, I hate football. Not interested for even one second. Still, super bowl parties are a part of being an American. You know, apple pie, mom and super bowl parties.

My husband goes all out. He plans our meal and even makes a football pool where the kids can win things like, lunch with mom at McDonald's and a $25 dollar gift card to the place of the winner's choice.

As I am writing this, we are in the fourth quarter, we are bloated and as full as people get on Thanksgiving. Mary won the first quarter, five bucks. John Paul won lunch with me at McDonalds in the second quarter, Jacob won a trip to Mighty Taco with Dave in the third quarter. The big $25 dollar winner will be determined at the end of the game. Big happenings here. Good food! Really good food!

And all I care about is the commercials which so far haven't been all that funny. Except for the one with David Letterman, Oprah and Jay Leno. Even if you didn't see it, just imagine those three people sitting on a couch in front of a tv together.

Just the thought of that is funny, isn't it?

Hopefully it will be over soon.

It's a school night!!!!!!

Sorry So Long Since I Last Wrote

2010-02-06T09:00:00.003-05:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote. I have been so busy this week. In between my regular family obligations and mission obligations, I have been going to see Penny, who is doing great by the way! She's been in hospice, but is doing so well they will be moving her to a nursing home. She still doesn't have much longer to live, but she could still have another four months so, let's keep praying for her!

I know that I have written this before, but I can't write enough how this experience with Penny has made a profound impact on my life. This week I took a deep look into my vocations of wife, mother and missionary. Saw where I need to improve but also gave myself credit for what I am doing right. If God could only give us a few more hours in a day I would be in good shape!

It is amazing how God gives us the grace to do the things that we never thought we could do. I have been bone tired, especially last night, but I stayed with her until 11:30 because she wanted me to stay. God is good, that is all I can say!

Okay. So Colleen asked me about General Confession. I made a general confession because I am starting St. Francis De Sales, "Introduction To A Devout Life", and the first thing he suggests doing is a general confession. Yes, God had forgiven much of what I had confessed, but I also noticed that when I went back to the start, I found all kinds of things I had never confessed. When you prepare yourself for a general confession you have to ask God to bring up any past sins you may not have confessed. Also, from my own experience, there are things I confessed that I am not sure I even knew why I needed to confess them at the time, but with time, knowledge of God, (and the closer I get to Him, the more I feel remorse for my sins,) those old things pop up and I understand more clearly why it was wrong.

I felt lighter when I left. And I did major battle this week because of it. I suffered a lot towards the end of the week, and only now as I write this do I realize why the end of the week was so bad, why I was hit by the devil so bad. I wish I could have seen this while I was going through it, but I was under attack for making that confession. That's okay. I survived!!! Came out on the other side, thanks to God's grace and the guidance of my spiritual director.

Getting ready to go to a fundraiser for the mission, Souper Chili Nights. I am looking forward to seeing old friends, and making new ones. I am a social butterfly so I will be in my element tonight!

Hopefully I will be back on track with my writing now too. I missed you guys and I hope you missed me too!

Lord You Have My Heart

2010-01-31T20:26:00.002-05:00

I made a general confession today and it took me back to when I first committed myself to Jesus. This song was not around then, but it could be the theme of my life. It is so beautiful! And is exactly how I feel about giving my life to my Lord and Savior.

Share My Music Friday... A Musical Classic

2010-01-29T15:39:00.002-05:00

They don't make 'em like this anymore. Too bad. What a voice!

Going to see Penny in Hospice. Please pray.

Keep on Keepin On

2010-01-27T22:12:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am just plodding along. One heavy foot in front of the other. Things have been crazy at the mission. The kids have been high strung, weird happenings with people, lots of busy, busy things, and Penny.

Penny is doing beautifully. I didn't get up to see her today because I had RCIA, but I got the report from my good friend and sister in Christ, Molly. Penny is up and around, organizing her room. She will be going to hospice soon and she is getting things in order.

I will go see her tomorrow. Being with her is an unreal experience. Sitting, talking with someone, who I know will be seeing Jesus soon, blows my mind away. She will see Him face to face, any time now. The person sitting in front of me tomorrow, laughing about funny things that have happened at the mission, can be sitting in front of Jesus, the very next day. Just blows me away.

And shows me how thin the curtain is between us and heaven.

A Tired Missionary

2010-01-25T22:37:00.002-05:00

Please bear with me friends. My Penny only has a little more time in this world, so I have been going to be with her in the hospital as much as I can. I spent a lot of time with her on Saturday and I told her I wouldn't be back on Sunday because it was my mom's birthday, but that I would come today.

So when I walked in tonight she handed me her notebook which had a note for me. I said, "How did you know I was coming?", meaning at that moment because obviously she had taken some time to write me a note. She said, "You told me you were coming today. I knew you would be here."

Then I read her note. She was asking me questions about Mass yesterday at the mission, how my mom's birthday dinner went, how my pre-k kids were today, etc. Then she wrote, "I was looking forward to seeing you all day. I couldn't wait until you got here. You are a good friend."

I was so tired when I got there. I had planned on only staying an hour. I stayed for three.

How could I not stay? She waited all day. For me.

Our Pro LIfe Mission Kids

2010-01-24T08:48:00.002-05:00

This is a picture of our little group of kids from the mission school who went to the pro life march in Washington. They were so happy to be there.

One of the Reasons Why My Kids think I am Cool.....

2010-01-22T23:09:00.001-05:00

Mama knows how to get down!

Womb to the Tomb

2010-01-20T22:11:00.003-05:00

I haven't been able to write because I have been busy these last two days, taking care of two situations, on opposite ends of the life cycle.

It is with great motherly pride that I am sending two of my children to Washington to participate in the March for Life. The upper grades in our little mission school will be traveling early tomorrow morning to participate. There are just seven children and five adults going, but you would have cried to watch them studying what Roe v Wade stated, watched a pro life movie. These kids studied like this was a geometry exam. It was so beautiful to watch their faces. They all made their own posters. So wonderful. What a blessing for these kids to be able to go and be a part of this. They will never forget this. They will be telling their grandchildren what they did to change an unjust law. I could cry with happiness and pride. My John Paul, 6th grader, has been packed for a week. No lie. My Mary made a list for herself and went around the house today, checking things off. They are sleeping downstairs tonight as they are being picked up at the ripe time of 4:45am. I will miss them dearly, will count the hours until I can hug them, but praise God for allowing my children an opportunity like this. Please keep them in your prayers this weekend for safe travel.

Last night, I sat with my friend Penny who is in the hospital, dying of cancer. Myself, and one of my missionary sisters sat with her. It was a blessed time. I have never had the honor of being with someone at their deathbed. To be so close to heaven, I could taste it. God was all around us. I can't explain it to you, but those of you who have experienced it will understand. It is peaceful, calm, quiet. I just knew the room was full of angels and saints. Ready to bring Penny home. Penny is ready to be with Jesus. She told us last night. I told her that when she sees Him, to go running into His arms. She smiled a peaceful smile. She is ready.

I was busy getting the kids ready for their trip so I didn't get up to see her today. But she is still hanging on so I will go again tomorrow night and be with her. Maybe I will be blessed to send her off to her new life. I know this is going to sound weird, but I hope I am. I am excited for her. My sister in Christ is going to be with our Lord and Savior soon. I told her last night when I was leaving that I wanted her to remember me when she stood before God's throne. This experience has changed my life. It helped me to put things in perspective. Thank You God.

I am grateful that You have given me faith. Faith to believe in You, faith to know that You will come to me too when it is my time. But until then I know that You watch over me with tender care. Thank You.

Jesus, I love You.

Family Celebration

2010-01-17T23:04:00.003-05:00

Today we celebrated my mother in law's 65th birthday. My hubby made an awesome dinner, and I made every one's favorite dessert, slush cake. It was a wonderful, wonderful, evening. Filled with good food, a lot of laughter, just an all around nice time.

My mother in law does not look 65. And I am not just saying that to be on her good side. I don't even think she reads my blog. But I was surprised to find out that she turned 65, maybe it's because she always acts so young. Like she is computer literate, even has her own facebook page! It seems like yesterday when we were celebrating her 60th. Boy, time goes so fast!

When I was rocking the four year old, (she still insists on her mommy time!), I was thinking about how important family is. All of my children were here, and the older two girls had their boyfriends over too. The boyfriends have become a part of our household, and I really love both of them, so it is a joy when they join us for family celebrations. It was also a joy to watch all the interactions, between siblings, between grandparents and grandchildren, between myself and the children. What a blessing to have such loving grandparents in my children's lives. What a blessing to have a full house, with great food and company.

I love seeing the relationships between my kids, and as they grow older, the interactions get better. Sisters who fight, yet love just as deeply. My oldest daughter's boyfriend gets right into the fray. He loves to give a hard time to my oldest son, and he can hold his own! My other daughter's boyfriend is awesome with the two little girls. What a blessing those two boys have become to our family!

I love watching the kids climb into gramma's lap while grampa talks to the older boys and my hubby about sports. I love the craziness when we all play Apples to Apples. We get loud. Okay. I get loud. But we laugh like crazy. And everyone plays. Even the little girls. Family.

It's all about family. Feeling like you belong somewhere. To someone. Knowing you always have a place to go where you will be accepted. Loved.

When my dear hubby and I started this family, we dreamed of having nights like tonight. A houseful of family, having fun. A place where our children would want to bring their friends for food and conversation and fun. A place where God would be the center, because He is love.

We wanted our home to be full of love and joy. And family.

Tonight was one of those nights. I have said it before and I will say it again.
I am a blessed woman. Thank You God.

God is a good God, yes He is!!!

Bought more tunes on itunes....

2010-01-16T23:02:00.001-05:00

and I just couldn't help it. I had to share one of my favorites. This song totally can turn around a bad, bad day!

Everything

2010-01-15T22:55:00.002-05:00

This song reminds my hubby dearest of me. Especially the "get to kiss you everyday" part. Yeah, I am a lucky, blessed woman!

Penny

2010-01-14T21:03:00.002-05:00

I am asking all of my new friends in the blogsophere to please pray for my dear friend Penny. She is battling cancer and it doesn't look good. She's in the hospital and they eventually want to move her to hospice.

Her greatest fear is that she will die alone. Penny is Catholic, and very faithful. When she first came to the mission Penny was an active alcoholic. My hubby the nurse, helped Penny get meds and the things she needed and then she went into recovery and through many struggles, managed to maintain sobriety.

For a long time Penny lived in what we used to call "the convent", upstairs it was a homeless men's shelter, downstairs the single missionary women lived with a few homeless women. Penny cleaned and played house mom to the joint. She kept things neat and tidy and listened and helped and just became the best asset to the shelter. The guys loved her, she gave them food at all hours, helped with their laundry and did the housekeeping for all the ladies. I loved going to visit and have a cup of tea because she made it so homey.

The convent was converted totally into a men's shelter, so Penny was moved into a house with another woman we were helping who has mental health issues. Penny keeps her company and on the right track. Penny also got a job, ironically, at our local cancer hospital and worked her way up. She became a "go to" person at the mission for people who are struggling with alcoholism. She is a crusty old broad who is never afraid to tell the younguns the way it really is. She doesn't let any one off the hook, and lets them know when they are flirting with danger and their sobriety.

All in all, Penny is a good person. She's had a really tough life that included an abusive husband. But through it all, she maintained her faith, kept her faith, and God brought her to us. God brings these precious souls to us. We love them so much.

Please, tonight, before you close your eyes to sleep, pray for Penny, that she is ready for the bridegroom who loves her tenderly, that she lose her fear, and that when it is time to meet Jesus, she will be calm and free.

Pray for my community. We are about to lose one of our beloveds. We have lost too many the last two years. It's started to wear on some of us missionaries. Though we are happy that our friends will be with Jesus, we miss them. It's so hard.

Life can be so hard. Knowing that one day we will all be reunited makes it worth it all. Makes the bitter pill easier to swallow.

Someday in heaven, I will be able to introduce Penny to all of you, the unknown souls to her, that helped to carry her home. Won't we have a great time! It's a good thing it will be for all of eternity!

Men vs Women:Relaxation

2010-01-12T22:15:00.002-05:00

My husband and I have had some pretty long days, today was certainly one of them. Just the busy, crazy responsibilities we each have. The kind that a husband and wife with nine kids are gonna have.

So we took our gift certificate and headed for our local Mexican joint which happens to be a one minute walk from our house, albeit, a cold one minute walk, and had some nice conversation and a decent meal. I said, "I think I am going to just relax tonight, not do all of the things I had hoped to get done tonight." "Yes," hubby dearest said, "Me too."

For my hubby relaxation meant, heading for his recliner where he proceeded to put up the foot rest, placed his lap top on his lap, American Idol playing on the television in front of him. This is where he stayed for the next two hours.

In that two hours, I washed three loads of laundry, put two of them away, (Plus a load that had been in a basket since this morning), got the four year old to sleep, listened to eldest daughter's day over the phone, (she's on a service trip in NYC, I am a proud mama!) chased a stupid kitten from underneath my bed because if I don't she will continue to rip to shreds the bottom of my mattress, connived oldest son to take half of the dishes in his room downstairs, broke up an argument in the girls' room and picked up the dirty clothes and towels in the bathroom and threw them down the chute.

It was relaxing because I didn't clean the cat litter like I had planned to do today. Yes, that was my relaxing evening. I didn't clean the cat litter.

My husband asked me from his comfortable perch on his recliner why was I in such a grumpy mood?

No, I didn't throw anything at his head.

In his favor, he later asked me if I would like him to make me a cup of tea.
That is why we are still married after almost twenty one years. The guy has impeccable timing!

And he can cook better than me.

Jesus and His tender love...

2010-01-11T21:27:00.003-05:00

I have this picture in my preschool classroom. Today, I am that little girl whose face is being held by Jesus. Won't that be awesome someday, to see Him and have Him greet me like that. I have been meditating on His tender love for me and I feel it the most when I am sitting with Him in Adoration.

There I am in the front row, me lookin at Him, Him lookin at me. Doesn't that alone make a person flippin happy to be Catholic!!!! I mean seriously. Jesus is present. Sitting in front of me. And I know it is true, because since I have started going to Adoration five times a week for an hour, now almost an hour and a half, my life is changing. It has changed my heart.

I have a place to go, like St. Faustina, to throw myself in front of Him, well, maybe not throw, but I do often kneel as close as I can get to the monstrance, and I can cry, and I can let loose. I can tell Jesus everything. All my hurts, all my desires. And I can feel Him looking at me tenderly. Lovingly. Adoration changed me.

One of the things that has changed is my level of gossip. I used to get on the phone and just gab about everything, because that is how I always worked things out. With any girlfriend who would listen. And sometimes that was okay, we could help each other, pray together, have each other's backs. But for the most part, it was a slander session. One ball of ugly slices of the tongue. Not good. Not helpful.

Our priest, Fr. Jack did a lot of homilies on gossip, forgiveness, pride, envy and the like. Sometimes I would be sitting in the front row thinking, "Oh, my goodness, he is talking about me in front of everyone". Worse were the times when I sat there thinking, "OOOOOh, I wonder who he's talking about now. What did they do?" And spending the rest of my time trying to figure out who the homily was for.

Eventually I learned, "Duh, it's for you, ya dummy. And anyone else the Holy Spirit is trying to reach through Fr. Jack." So then, I started asking for the smarts to know what pertained to my life, and as I sat listening intently and trying to discern what I was supposed to learn, I forgot about looking around and guessing, and condemning others. And I started looking at my own self. What I needed to change in my own life. More importantly, what did God want me to change in my life?

What I found out was this: He wanted me to stop telling every Gladys and Harriet every little thing about my gossipy struggles with others, and go directly to Him.

And not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I have gotten quite good at it. Verizon misses my long phone conversations, but I sure don't. I have a free, direct line to my Savior, and He always listens and then gently, tenderly, shows me what I need to do to make things better. Sometimes by me just sitting in front of Him, but also sometimes by what I read when I am sitting with Him. Sometimes I sit with Him and just go off somewhere. And when I come out of it, I have a solution to my situation.

And then I smile at Him, and He smiles at me.

Tenderly.

Lou Gramm, Midnight Blue

2010-01-09T21:19:00.002-05:00

What a voice! Doesn't the music make you want to dance? And where else on the internet are you going to see the Blessed Mother next to a rock song?

Been Busy with My Peeps

2010-01-09T20:48:00.002-05:00

I am glad I don't believe in New Years Resolutions and the like. I have totally blown my "blog everyday" promise. Oh, well. When you have nine kids and a hubby, you learn how to cut yourself some slack. Okay. You learn how to cut yourself a lot of slack, which is why my kitchen floor hasn't seen a mop in a long, long time!

What I was doing instead of blogging..... date night with the hubster. We went out one night for Mexican and had a nice evening out. Last night I had a RCIA night of reflection and just did not want to blog after it. We watched parts of Les Miserables, and discussed its themes, and well, I was just too drained after that to write, if that makes any sense.

Today I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning, but I also spent quite a bit of time using some of my itunes gift card. Aaah, I love music. I mean I really love it! All kinds. I'm telling you I could be in the worst mood known to mankind and if I start playing my ipod, I go into another world. Music is a combination of poetry and instruments that combine together to make emotions just well up inside of me. Today's selections included, Peter Gabriel "Solsbury Hill", Bing Crosby singing "Oh, Lord I am not Worthy, and Vivaldi's La Primevera. I told you I was a multiple personality disorder when it comes to music!

When I put my ipod on shuffle, one minute I could be listening to "God of Wonders" and the next, Billy Idol's "Dancin With Myself". Followed by Frank Sinatra and Michael W. Smith. I just love it all!

Oh yeah, I just remembered I wanted to download Foreigner's "Midnight Blue".

It's a good thing I still have credit left on my gift card.

Cold Winter's Night

2010-01-06T21:57:00.002-05:00

Last night I crawled into my nice, warm bed, and as I drifted off to sleep, I thought, "Oh, no, I forgot to write on my blog!!!!"

But there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to get up and blog. I love you guys, and I love to write, but not that much!

It's cold here in Buffalo. I mean, really cold. Goes right through ya.

But it also makes me think of my blessings. I am thankful to God that I have a nice warm home. That we have electricity, heat, appliances are humming even as I write this. My children have warm beds to sleep in and clean clothes to put on in the morning. We ate today.

I hope I never take the simple things in life for granted. I don't think I will. When you have seen children wolfing down food they got in a mission kitchen as they walk home, well, that never leaves your mind, and it makes you grateful when sitting down at your own table, the day before pay day, to a meal of mac and cheese and carrot sticks. Or leftover polish sausage, scrambled eggs and toast. Just depends on what is in the fridge.

Sometimes I am so selfish. Sometimes I am such a whiner. I look at others, wish for what they have, wonder why I don't have this relationship, or that gift. The devil whispers in my ear, all the time, putting doubts, fears, sometimes despair in there. Lately I have discovered that gratitude wipes that all away. If I can look at my situation and be grateful, I am a lot less whiny.

I always seem to have to work through a pity party first though. I wish I could skip that part sometime. Maybe someday, I will have accomplished that. Something to work on in the future. Be grateful at the moment I feel like whining. Don't give the devil a chance to put even one little evil toe in my door!

Did you know my dear readers that there are people out there who don't even believe the devil exists? Yeah, blind fools. No wonder they call him the father of lies.

For those of us who have felt his wrath, we know he's there.

And when he tries to get us, well, that just means we are doing something right.

St. Michael, defend us in our day of battle. Amen.

No School

2010-01-04T19:41:00.002-05:00

We didn't have school today because the classrooms didn't have enough heat. They worked on it today and we will be back in business tomorrow. So I was grumpy yesterday for nothing.

And I had my little girl that I babysit and I didn't want to take her out in the cold, so no Adoration today.

Spiritual direction tomorrow. Yeah!! That is the best. I love my spiritual director, she is my spiritual mama, she is awesome. I love talking with her. It is the highlight of my month!

I am really close with my director, we have a very close knit relationship. I am very, very blessed.

So instead of dreading going back tomorrow, I am looking forward to it. Because after my preschoolers go home, I get to spend time in direction.

I would love to write more, but my sixteen year old son is sitting next to me, waiting for me to take him to Gamestop so he can return a game he and his brothers ordered that is not working.

Yeah, that is what I want to do tonight. Go back out into the cold, snowy night.

But I told him I would, so where are my boots?..........

Back To School Tomorrow

2010-01-03T20:19:00.002-05:00

I am grumpy. Unhappy. Back to the old grind tomorrow. Back to running around at 8am, swearing at teenagers and bumping into the four and six year old as I try and scoot children out the door. Back to running mom's taxi van in the afternoons.

At the same time. Back to my regular Adoration schedule.

Goodbye sleeping in.

Hellloooo, Jesus!

Sitting With My Resa, So.......

2010-01-02T23:36:00.002-05:00

Go back to my dancin days with me. If you dare!

Starting My New Year With The Goos!

2010-01-01T12:50:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

In the New Year I will......

2009-12-31T14:50:00.002-05:00

I have decided that I am going to ask my family that we all try not to say anything negative to, or about, someone inside of our home. I know this is a big, huge task, but I want us all to try.

For my own self, I am going to try not to say anything negative about any one, inside or outside my home. I am writing this because I want to be held accountable to all of you. This way I can share my journey and you all get to keep me on track! Are you up for the challenge?

I know I will still think things, but if I can keep them from coming from my mouth, I will have changed a part of my heart!

I ask my guardian angel to please help me, and God please send me the graces needed.

Anyone else willing to share their personal goal for next year?

Happy and Blessed New Year,to all of you. May God pour His blessings on you, your families and your communities!

Dale

2009-12-30T20:30:00.002-05:00

I know that bury the dead is one of the works of mercy, and as a missionary of mercy, I am expected to do that. Unfortunately today we said goodbye to a gentleman who has been living at the mission for the last fifteen years.

Ironically, I met Dale about ten years ago on New Years day. It was our first New Year's at the mission as a family. There was a big dinner and anyone who wanted to come and have dinner was invited. Dave was working nights at the time, and that year it was his turn to work New Year's Eve, so he was sleeping but I took the kids to the dinner. My oldest was eleven, the youngest at that time was about two and I was pregnant with our seventh child. It was crowded but the food was plentiful and the kids and I were excited to be a part of it. We filled a table easily, and began to eat. Dale walked over with his meal and sat with us. I didn't know him. I had never even seen him before, but I thought he was really brave to sit with a large family, sprawling with kids. I even said to him, "You might regret sitting here. The kids can be rambunctious at times!" He just smiled and said he was happy to sit with a family.

I looked at his face. It was leathered, worn, and red, the kind of skin that alcoholics have. All his worldly possessions he carried in his backpack. He ate quietly, sometimes amused at the antics of my children, but he was content. He listened to our conversations and we passed him the condiments, asked him if he needed some pop, and basically just made him a part of our family for that meal. When we got up to leave, he thanked me for letting him sit with us. He said he hadn't been a part of a family for a long time, and it was nice to be with us.

Yeah, I went home and cried. I never forgot that. I didn't see him for awhile, and then for years I saw him all the time. He collected pop cans and bottles for a little income, and I think when he would see my van pull in, he knew that he had hit the jackpot!! There was always pop cans or bottles rolling around my floor. I would tell him, "I don't know how many I have, but you are welcome to any that I do have."

He started off calling me "Mrs.", but the last two years he called me Michelle. I would pull up for Mass or something that was going on, and he would smile, always greet me with a smile. This past year he was so sick, I thought we had lost him a few times, so when I did see him, I started giving him great big hugs. He told me I was holy. I just loved him. I could see the deep suffering, the years an addiction can take on a soul. I don't know his story, never will, I just loved him.

My guys at the mission, they see me as mom. Some let me hug them. Some just want me to listen and laugh at their stories. They just want to be loved. I can't judge them. I can't say "tsk, tsk. It's their own fault for drinking or drugging". One thing I have learned by being at the mission, we don't know what people carry with them. We don't know the pain of loss and hurts from childhood and beyond. I can't judge. Only love.

Dale was one of the men who have taught me how to love and not judge. In the world he was seen as a throwaway.

But to me, he was someone I loved.

Rest In Peace Dale.

Tyler's 16th Birthday

2009-12-29T23:46:00.002-05:00

Today is my oldest son Tyler's birthday. His sixteenth birthday to be exact. He wanted to go to the Sabres game and the Anchor Bar for chicken wings. Everyone knows that Buffalo invented the deep fried chicken wing, and the Anchor Bar is the place that began it all. Yum!

The Sabres game was exciting. We were down three to zero, and then our guys started going to town. The game ended with us winning four to three. Totally and unbelievably awesome! What a game. And to be there at the arena was exciting too. The crowd was on fire after the first two goals for our team. So much fun.

Here in cold, cold Buffalo this is what we look forward to. It doesn't get any better than chicken wings and the Sabres. On your sixteenth birthday.

Tyler brought me back to hockey. When I was a little girl my dad would take me to the games. But then I lost my love of the game. Then I had a boy. And he is a sports fanatic. I am not into football at all. As a matter of fact, I hate football. Too complicated and too long.

But hockey moves fast. And doesn't last forever while the guys stand around in a huddle talking about what they are going to do after the game. That's what happens in football. BORING! Hockey moves. Plus they fight. Really whack each other sometimes. I love that. (It's my inner aggression being played out.)

So Tyler got me back into hockey and we all love it. As a family.

I can't believe that it has been sixteen years that I have had this boy in my life. I remember when I brought him home and walked him in the kitchen. I just stared at him and thought, "I have a little boy!" I was so very happy. I loved his little baby face, big blue eyes looking up at me.

Now he is so tall, I have to look up at him. And tonight, he let me hug him.

Happy Birthday Tyler Louis! I love you.

Singing the Praises of itunes!!!!

2009-12-28T21:36:00.003-05:00

Today I am going to sing the praises of itunes/apple. But first I must tell you my sorry story.

My plan for today was going to be cleaning my room and doing laundry. Then my eleven year old, John Paul, reminded me that I told him that I would take him to Big Lots to check out their MP3 players. He only had a certain amount of Christmas money to spend and he really wanted one. I was not really convinced that we would be purchasing a quality product but off we went.

The woman behind the counter practically fell out laughing. Sold out. Long time ago. Try Kmart. Ok. Kmart is around the bend, so we went. Nothing left from the Christmas rush, and the after Christmas rush. Now I am looking at this boy's face. He was so disappointed. Well, what would it hurt me if we drove over to Target. So I called my oldest daughter Emily, gave her instructions for lunch and headed the van in the direction of Target.

"Mom, I know this wasn't what you had planned for your day, but thank you for driving me around." He said this so sadly and sweetly. My heart broke and melted at the same time. I was now on a mission to find this boy an inexpensive MP3 player!

Target did not have what he wanted in his price range either. So I bought us a popcorn and two pops and said, "Let's go to Best Buy".

As he was getting into the van he tripped and spilled his pop all over the van floor. I could see in his face, he was about to cry. The tears were welling up. I said very gently,"It's okay Johnny, here, share mine."

So we were on our way to Best Buy, he was holding our bag of popcorn, and I took a rough turn, and wouldn't you know, the popcorn falls. I kid you not, this boy was having a really bad day. And now the tears came. I said, "John, this was not your fault. It was mommy's fault. And you only spilled a little. Don't be upset. Mommy is not upset with you. Don't worry."

Now I begin praying that I can find an inexpensive MP3 player that I can afford to help him out with, cause there was no way I was going to let that boy go home without one!!

So we get to Best Buy, and there was something he could be happy about, and I chipped in, started him off with a $15 itunes giftcard and we happily drove home. He was so excited because it had a lot of features he wanted, even though it wasn't a touch screen, (which is what he was looking for, but only having $70 in Christmas money, could not afford) and he was very satisfied with his purchase.

Now for most people this would be their happy ending, but, alas, we are Marciniaks so there is always more to the tale. I went off to do laundry and John Paul went off to use my computer to start using his itunes card. A short while later, Tyler calls to me, and tells me that John Paul used a butter knife to rub off the activation number. You know that area on the back of a gift card that says, "Gently rub with coin", the operative words being "gently" and "coin"! Yeah. He massacred it.

One hour on the computer, three phone calls and an email later, I sent a message to someone at the itunes, apple company. My dear hubby had an itunes giftcard for $15 that he had received for Christmas so he gave it to John until our issue was resolved.

And now this is why I love itunes/apple. Less than 2 hours later, I had a response in my email with our number, (there was a code on the bottom of the card that I had emailed in and from that they could get my activation code) and thanks to a very friendly worker named Charlie, my hubby typed in the number and received our credit to itunes! I love them and I want you all to love them too. What a great company! They were awesome!

And I did get my bedroom clean and some laundry done.

Yep, super mom wins again!

It's a Wonderful, Wonderful Life

2009-12-27T21:46:00.002-05:00

My life has been crazy busy. But in a good way. Our Christmas was awesome. I will begin our Christmas journey tonight by writing about the eve of Christmas Eve. I baked cookies until 4am. I had so much fun! I listened to Delilah until midnight and then just Christmas music.

I made cookies for fourteen families. That's a lot of cookies. Well, some families. But also the men's residence at the mission, for homeless men. And the residence for men in recovery. Also the residence where the missionary women care for children of single moms. Let's just say, it takes a whole heck of a lot of cookies to make enough for everyone that I give cookies to. Hence the reason why I was up until 4am baking them. Wouldn't have it any other way.

I make mexican wedding cakes, hello dollies, thumbprints, peanut butter blossoms and turnover cookies. My turnover cookies are the biggest hit. I don't even know why I bother making anything else. That's all anyone ever wants. They are good.

It's a cream cheese dough and in the middle is either, pineapple, strawberry, or raspberry preserves. Oooh, they are good! Shaped like turnovers. Mini turnovers.

Delicious.

Like the Sabres win tonight. Absolutely delicious.

Oops. Forgot to Bless Another Faithful Reader

2009-12-26T22:33:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas to Kimberly! God bless you and your precious family!

Special Merry Christmas Blessings

2009-12-26T15:32:00.002-05:00

Having a fun day playing board games with the kids. So only enough time to say a special Christmas wish for three new friends I have made in blogger world. God's peace, joy and blessings to Anne, Allison and Christopher. Looking forward to "conversing" even more with you in the new year. Plus reading more of Anne's prose, hearing all about Allison's wedding, and watching Christopher cry as the Caps lose and the Sabres win the Stanley!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-26T00:07:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. God's peace and blessings to all.

Merry Christmas to All

2009-12-24T17:06:00.002-05:00

We are off as a family to go serve a hot meal to families who have no where to go on Christmas Eve. I hear Santa may even be making an appearance. He's gotta have a hot meal before he takes that long trip you know.

God bless to all of you my dear, dear readers. Have a very blessed Christams Eve.

So Busy Baking

2009-12-24T00:03:00.002-05:00

So busy baking. Forgot to write!!!!

Listen and discuss amongst yourself. I've got mexican wedding cakes in the oven.

Just About Done

2009-12-22T22:09:00.002-05:00

John Paul and I got so much done tonight. We were shopping maniacs!

I began my cookie baking palooza.

I am surprising one of my missionary brothers by making him a batch of cookies his mom made when he was a kid. He is an awesome brother in Christ, from a big family, and he was telling us one night about this wonderful cookie his mom would make with dates and nuts, in a pinwheel fashion. So I looked it up on line, saved the recipe and held onto it for a Christmas surprise for him.

I have them chilling in the fridge right now. I am exhausted and I hope I made them right. On top of not ever making them before, I don't know if I am gonna like dates or not, so I might not even be able to tell after baking them if they are good or not!!!

Hoping for the best here kids.

Ok. Believe it or not, Teresa is still waiting for me to rock her!

So off I go. I have to get to bed myself. Tomorrow I will be a baking maniac!

The Stupids Do Christmas

2009-12-21T21:47:00.002-05:00

Ok. There is a book series that my hubby read when he was a little boy. It was about a family called the Stupids, and basically they just did everything wrong. So when a million things go wrong in our family, and we end up just working against ourselves, we say, "The Stupids go to the park", or "The Stupids take a road trip".

This time. It's the Stupids do Christmas. Today, I spent most of my afternoon in Dave's emergency room. Because of a kidney stone. Dave, by the way, was not in attendance as he was at home, puking his poor guts out. Yes, another one bites the dust. He has it now too.

After pain meds, anti nausea meds, and a ct scan, they sent me on my way with a script in case the little buggers still inside of me decide to come out. I am hoping that happens after Christmas.

I still managed to get most of the shopping done with most of the children. Tomorrow John Paul and I will finish up.

How does she do it, you are all asking yourselves? I have no flippin idea how I do it. I guess it's because Polish women are strong, I mean we used to have our babies in the onion fields and then keep right on working. Or whatever it was Polish women helped farm. Maybe beets. Or garlic.

At any rate, a woman who has birthed nine babies, knows how to get up off a gurney, and head for the nearest Target with three kids in tow. You do what you gotta do.

And heck, everything is on sale right now for those last minute purchases.

At least the Stupids will have some nice gifts to give each other on Jesus' birthday.

Forget About UPS, Call The Marciniaks!

2009-12-20T23:03:00.002-05:00

We had to set up the deliveries tonight at the mission. Just for some of the families we take care of. When we took the job over it used to take hours upon hours, now we have a crew of our oldest children and we get it done in no time.

So now I get to start preparing for my own family. Tomorrow I will take the children out in groups, and we will buy for whichever name we picked. We pray for the person we picked throughout advent. But it is the sweetest thing, the children get so excited to see if the brother or sister, or mom and dad, (whoever they chose), gets excited over what they purchased for them. They each take their time choosing just the right gift for each other. It is the BEST!

And I will start my baking tomorrow night, as long as I am not exhausted after all that shopping. It usually takes me all day to shop with the kids. I can't take them all together because they have each other's names, so I have to coordinate it. But I love every second of it. And now that my Emily is old enough, she takes whoever gets my name and helps them. The girl has taste so I always get something awesome! She knows what mama likes!

If I don't start my baking tomorrow then I will on Tuesday. I bake a lot. But I will write more about that tomorrow.

Have to run and write out just a few more Christmas cards. Or maybe since it is eleven at night, I should try and get my four year old to sleep!

She loves her cuddle time with mom.

Gotta run, Teresa is awaiting!

Toys, toys, and more toys!

2009-12-19T23:57:00.003-05:00

It's been a long two weeks. This last week has been especially long. With my children getting the stomach bug and then at the same time, trying to get all the toys ready for 550 families, yes, 550 families. Each family had at least two children, but most were five or more, so literally thousands of kids got toys from us these last two days.

The most fun thing was seeing the moms whose boxes I filled with toys. It was funny because here I am, a mom with a huge family, and I would end up getting the huge families. And I hooked these kids up! With each toy I would think about my own kids, if they would like it, would they get joy out of it if it were them receiving the toys? We worked so hard, especially the last couple of days. We had our Christmas music blasting as we "shopped" and filled boxes with toys and stuffed animals for the children. It was hard work, I pushed myself harder than I ever have, but it was totally worth it.

On the first day of the giveaway, I saw the girl that I had given my cross to at the Thanksgiving food giveaway. I never thought I would see her again. When she saw me, it was like she was seeing a movie star. She poked her mom, and stared at me with such a precious smile. She was saying to her mom, "That's the one". I looked at her as she was walking away and I said, "Aren't you the one I gave my cross to?" She smiled so excitedly, happy that I remembered her, and said "Yes, I still have it. It's hanging in my car!" Then she walked up the stairs to get toys for her little girl, and she kept looking back at me, like she could not believe her eyes. I wanted to cry, it was so humbling. She was looking at me like one looks at a kindly saint. I knew in an instant how Blessed Mother Teresa must have felt. I bet it happened to her all the time. What an honor.

There were so many precious moments. People who just wanted to talk. People who were so grateful, they cried. Mama's who could barely walk because of injuries, but they climbed the stairs to get toys for their children.

We were able to give every child a wonderful new toy, a big ticket item, and then smaller things, like stuffed animals, coloring books, crayons, silly putty, play jewelry, play dough, etc. I was so happy to be a part of it. Working for Jesus. It was wonderful. The two women I work with are joyful, and absolutely amazing.

So many people helped. Benefactors, people who donated large amounts, people who gave the little they could. All of it helped provide joy to many, many children. God is not only good, He is amazing!

I am sure I will write more about this, but this is it for now. I still have one more duty for the mission tomorrow. My family, hubby, two eldest daughters, their boyfriends, and I will be setting up all the gifts that will be delivered to what we call "mission families", families who live in a mission house, missionary families, and families of missionaries. (It makes sense to me!)

Getting closer to His coming. Make sure your heart is ready with love.

Prepare ye the way of the Lord.

Share My Music Friday

2009-12-18T22:24:00.002-05:00

I had a wonderful day, serving the Lord. I worked long hours and I worked hard. I saw Jesus in so many faces today. So many relieved moms and dads, happy to get things to give to their children. What a blessing! How great is our God.

Come to Bethlehem and see......

I Can See The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

2009-12-17T23:12:00.003-05:00

We are down to one puking child. The boys were all fine today. In fact, Tyler, my boy who is almost sixteen asked if I could get him "Louies" for dinner. For those of you who are not from around here, that would be a hot dog place. Yeah, the boy actually wanted me to get him hot dogs for dinner when less than twenty-four hours ago he was puking his guts out.

Aaaah. The joys of having sons!! Unfortunately my little Amelia, age six, came down with it early this morning, five in the morning to be exact. She threw up a few times, stopped for a couple of hours, puked again at noon, and then was fine. Until we put her to bed at nine. Then she tossed her saltines.

She is the last one. Well, Liz, Dave and I did not get it at all. Probably I have been spared because my hands have been in scorching hot bleach water all day. I have done about ten loads of towels, and blankets, and sheets, with plenty of bleach.

Bleaching the tables, bleaching the counter tops. Spraying Lysol like a woman who has bought stock in the product!

Tomorrow is the toy give away. I will be downstairs at the mission, smiling, and wishing moms and dads a Merry Christmas. God blessing them. Letting them know that Jesus does really love them. They are not forgotten.

My older kids, God bless them, will be holding down the fort. With only one sick, I feel pretty okay about leaving them to give out toys. Besides, I think by the morn, she will be fine too. Right now she is sleeping, snuggled up on recliner. Big sister will sleep on the couch.

Everyone chips in here. That's what we do.

We are a missionary family. And I am proud of that.

Another Four Bite the Dust...

2009-12-16T23:16:00.002-05:00

It is a pukepalooza here at the Marciniak's. Jake, Ty and Joe started this afternoon. Mary started this evening.

It smells awful in my house.

My poor kids are puking their guts out.

I feel so bad for them.

And the toy packing continues. Thankfully my hubby the nurse cleaned puke buckets tonight so I could go pack toys.

Good news: we finished all the boxes that will be given out Friday.

Even better news: this stomach bug seems to only go about twenty four hours. For some of them, even less.

And hey, better this week than next!

John Paul Back on Track

2009-12-15T21:59:00.002-05:00

We had a rough night last night with John Paul. Dave ended up taking him to the emergency room because of dehydration. I dozed on and off while they were gone, and they didn't get home until well after three in the morning. Needless to say, we were walking around like sleepless zombies today.

It's lights out early tonight. John is doing much better.

Still debatable about mom and dad! Night all.

Another One Sick

2009-12-14T22:28:00.002-05:00

So Teresa lost the fever and no throwing up today. Late this afternoon, John Paul started throwing up. He seems even sicker than she was. The boy is pale white and just throwing up. Please pray for our Johnny. He is usually our funny boy, always making us laugh. It is pitiful, tonight all he can do is lie on the couch looking and feeling just awful.

My heart always breaks when my kids are sick.

Please keep John Paul in your prayers tonight.

So Sorry

2009-12-13T23:27:00.002-05:00

I am so sorry to all of you who read me on a regular basis. I told you that these next couple of weeks would be crazy. They just got crazier. My four year old woke up in the middle of the night last night after throwing up on herself. And diarrhea. Yes. Not good.

So I bathed her, put on fresh jammies, and sat with her. Most of the day I had her on my lap, in between Mass and my second oldest daughter's Christmas concert. Oh, and I threw in some laundry.

I am going to head for bed and hope to God's green earth that I get to stay there all night. But I don't know. Seems poor baby has the stomach bug, fever, throwing up, the works. So we shall see.

Say an extra prayer for my Teresa tonight. She is my sunshine.

I Am So Tired.........

2009-12-12T22:35:00.002-05:00

I played Santa Claus's elf today. I worked with many teens from my area who came to the mission to pack toys for many, many children. We will help over five hundred families with toys this Christmas. Then I came home and made fifteen pounds of potato pancakes for our annual family Christmas crafters night. My eyes can barely stay open. I will write about Christmas crafters night tomorrow. I just can't do it tonight.

Jesus' little helper is exhausted.

Share My Music Friday

2009-12-11T07:01:00.001-05:00

Listening to this makes me rejoice in the fact that the Lord is coming, in our hearts and in our lives.

YES!!!!!

2009-12-10T07:14:00.003-05:00

I got my snow day because of the high winds! I will take it!!! Cookie baking, house decorating, very funny day with my kids, here I come!!!!!

Snow Day, Snow Day, I Want A Snow Day!

2009-12-09T22:07:00.003-05:00

The wind outside sounds like a blizzard. But there is no snow with it. They are predicting a big amount, but so far, nothing. I want a snow day. I am worse than my kids when it comes to a snow day. Even though I won't sleep in, and I will get up anyway,it would be so nice to be grounded. I would love to be grounded.

If I have a snow day, I am going to bake cookies and decorate with my children. See, I even have my day planned already. I have all my baking supplies ready to go. My decorations are down from the attic. Please God, if You can hear me, I know you have more important things, like war and famine, but mine is pretty simple.

Just dump a lot of snow on Buffalo tonight and I can do the rest.

Thank You God. I know a four year old named Teresa who will have a shining face if you do so. Okay, and a forty-eight year old who will too.

So Busy Being An Elf

2009-12-08T23:19:00.002-05:00

You will all have to excuse me if for the next two weeks my posts are short. Or rambling. Or crazy. Or tearful. I get emotional when I am tired.

I am very busy being Santa's little elf. We will be giving out enough toys to take care of about 500 or so families. Many, many children. This requires a lot of hard work and organization. We have an awesome, and I mean, really awesome lady, volunteer who coordinates the whole thing. She is so wonderful to work with!

Tonight we were moving toys around and setting things up. Well, starting to. It is a huge process. We fill orders, but before we do that, teens from all over come, and "shop" in our rooms that we set up by sex and age. Then when our teens come to help, they get a sheet on a family that has names and ages on it, and they fill a box with toys and goodies. Everything is donated. We don't except money from the government or our local diocese. It's all donations. People donate money and new toys to us, and we put them to good use. It is amazing when it all comes together!

Then I am blessed when the moms and dads come in, I get to call numbers out, and then they can pick things up. I love to greet them, wish them a Merry Christmas. I make them laugh, serve hot chocolate, coffee and donated donuts and pastries. My legs will be killing me these next two weeks. These forty-eight year old legs don't like to stand as much as we will be for the next two weeks, but boy will it be rewarding! I love every minute of it.

I work with the best ladies in the world. The holiest women you would ever meet! I am blessed.

I will try to write the rest of my love journey. Just bear with me folks. This week is crazy because I still have school too. Oh, and of course, keeping my fingers crossed and saying a prayer, we are supposed to have a snow storm by this weekend. It will get crazier still, cause no matter what, the show must go on!

Hang on and join me for the ride. Hopefully, I will be able to share some heart warming stories. There is always at least one.

Her Eyes Are Frozen....

2009-12-07T19:00:00.001-05:00

Doesn't matter how many times I see it, I still laugh hysterically when the wife says, "She'll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen." Watch and enjoy.

But by God there'll be dancing......

2009-12-06T22:50:00.002-05:00

There are some movies where I will sit through the whole thing just to get to the ending. I am weird that way. I love the endings to "The Wedding Singer", "Overboard", "Breakfast Club" to name just a few. And this one from "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Husbands and Cell Phones

2009-12-05T23:58:00.002-05:00

I am not going to blog tonight on my advent walk, because my husband messed me up tonight by not having his cell phone on him.

I am not going into detail because it would bore you to tears, but all I can say is I do not understand why we give husbands cell phones anyway. I mean, seriously. I always love it when I am home and I need to get a hold of my husband and I call him and I hear his phone ringing from across the room. Is he across the room? NO. But his cell phone is!

Where is he? Oh, probably roaming Home Depot, looking at power tools and such. I know that is why he leaves it. I just know it. I know there are other wives out there who have gone through this. A friend told me tonight that she has had that happen to her too.

Sometimes my husband doesn't have his phone because he forgot to charge it. Can you imagine a woman forgetting to do that? No way. Or like tonight, turning the sound off because you are at a play, and hours later forgetting to turn it back on. What? Does not compute in my brain. Only an alien would do that! It would be like forgetting to breathe for me if I forgot to turn my cell phone back on.

I will forgive him. I will. Like an old friend used to say, "We've been married twenty years. Never once thought of divorce. Homicide, yes, but not divorce."

He's lucky three hots and a cot don't sound good enough to me.

Gotta go plug in his cell phone.

Love Is Not Irritable

2009-12-04T23:11:00.002-05:00

This happens when I am tired. I become very, very irritable. It's not pretty. In fact my dearest husband was just looking over my shoulder as I wrote this and said, "Yeah, ain't that the truth". Don't laugh, it only encourages him.

But it also happens when we have an agenda, an idea of how something should be, or will be. And then others actually have the audacity to put in their own wants and desires and totally blow us out of the water. What is really hilarious, is when God has His own plan, and He wins over us. Then we get cranky. Ugly. Not real pleasant to be around.

This is really a fight between us and the devil. I always know it's him because I am usually tired, or hungry, or both when I am irritable. The devil wants to weaken me, so that my pride kicks in and says, (in a whiney voice) "This is not the way it should be, and I work hard, and I deserve better, and I am hungry, and tired. And I wish those kids would stop making so much noise. And where is their father anyway!!!!"

So then I am snippy to all around me. Cause things didn't work out the way I had planned. The operative word, "I", "Me". It's not about me. It's about God.

God first. Me last. His agenda. Not my own.

Again, it is that being able to let things slide. To be able to say, "Oh well, I didn't plan it this way, but this is what I have. Might as well smile"

Or go get some sleep and start again tomorrow. If I can keep my mouth closed, pray about it, sleep on it, and then make a decision, I am always the better for it.

One thing I have come to learn about myself, when I am tired, I am emotional. Not a good mixture! It's like lighting a match next to gas rags, some one's gonna get hurt, and it could very well be me!

Once again, PRIDE, PRIDE, and more PRIDE. I am finding out that pride is like the bulls eye in the center, and all other bad habits and sinful behavior are the outer rings. I just keep going around and then smack dab in the middle is the cause of my failings.

And that is one bulls eye you don't want to get one hundred points for. Put down the darts, and back away. Slowly.

But don't worry.....

2009-12-04T15:21:00.002-05:00

I will be posting later about today's advent love thought. In case you are sitting at the edge of your seat waiting to see what I will say next. lol!

Share My Music Friday

2009-12-04T15:19:00.002-05:00

The ultimate Christmas song. You know it's Christmas time when you hear this song!

Love is Thoughtful, Love is not Rude

2009-12-03T22:42:00.005-05:00

For those of you following me on my advent journey, you missed yesterday's thought. Yesterday was love is thoughtful. Today was love is not rude.

All of this thinking about love, left me pondering today. During my Adoration I had a real epiphany. I was thinking about how people in general, but especially myself, need to just let things go sometimes. Why do I always feel like I have to be right? Why do I have to have the last word? If we sometimes just ignored things that bothered us, for the sake of loving the other person, wouldn't our world be more peaceful? If I stopped taking everything personal, and just loved, wouldn't that make the world a better place?

It's not saying that it's right for others to do wrong against us. But if we always gave others the benefit of the doubt, or even just admitted to ourselves that, "yeah, they shouldn't have done or said that" but I am just going to let it slide for once, wouldn't that make me a more loving person?

Maybe sometimes it is not thoughtful to point out to someone that they hurt our feelings. Maybe they really didn't mean to do it. Even if they did, would it kill me to not say anything and just let it go? And can you imagine how I could really blow some one's mind if they knew they had done something wrong, and I loved them anyway?

Maybe it is more rude of me to point out something someone did, than the actual thing the person did. Maybe it is more thoughtful to love and forgive immediately.

I think it is. I think that is what God wants us to do. As hard as that seems, I think if I am truly loving, and truly humble I can at least try to do this. If you really, really love someone, you will do anything for that person. And today, sitting in Adoration, I realized that means forgiving the stupid piddily things, as well as the big ones. As soon as I can. I don't expect that I will be able to do it right away, this will take some work, and a lot of God's graces, but it can be done.

I look at many of the saints, and I see that they did it easily and not so easily. That will be me. Sometimes it will be smooth like "buttah" and other times, like a roller coaster from hell. I am up for the challenge.

I am going to be pondering this some more. I think I am finally getting it. My spiritual director has been trying to teach me this for years. I am a slow learner, but then again, I know I had to go through what I did so I could really learn it in my head and my heart. Now it will stick, and I have graduated with a degree in love.

I am now working on my Master's degree.

The hubster's birthday!

2009-12-02T19:21:00.003-05:00

It's the hubby's birthday and so I am catering to his every whim. Don't have time to write.

His name is Dave and he is forty-two today.

I love you baby.

Love is Not Selfish

2009-12-01T22:09:00.002-05:00

To me, this one is what determines how well you are going to manage all the rest. I honestly think that everything stems from our selfishness. It's called our pride. Our ego.

Think about it. We are impatient because we can't understand why we can't have what we want right now! We are unkind because, hey, they should be nice to me first! It's all about me. We live in that kind of world. Sacrificing for others is seen as a bad thing. We need to take care of ourselves, get what we can out of life. And if it doesn't feel good anymore, well, just get rid of it, and get a new one.

I think we all have some of this in us. Then we either take to God's way or we take it our own way, and we become selfish, only thinking of ourselves. In this day and age, we have been taught that it is healthier to be that way. To make "me" first.

But God's ways are not our ways. He wants us to make others first and ourselves last. And that is hard. Again, it's that whole dying to our self thing.

It ain't easy. It's really hard for me sometimes not to be resentful and bitter. I always can see the selfish side of me, peeking up at me, making me feel sorry for myself. I can be such a sad sack. It's not fun.

Today was hard at times. To really put others first and do it with joy. Not easy. But I will tell you this, I feel a whole heck of a lot better about myself today. I really felt like I was doing what God wants me to do when I put myself last. Each moment of our lives is a choice. How will we act? How joyful can I be? Who comes first, me or them?

It's easier when your eyes are on Jesus. He looks at each one of us so lovingly. It's hard not to want to do everything He asks when He looks at you that way. With His love and grace, everything is easy.

Even when it's hard.

Love is Kind

2009-11-30T20:38:00.002-05:00

Day Two of this Advent walk that I am beginning to think is God's experiment on me. My findings: patience and kindness goes out the window when I am really, really tired. Like right now. Hubby is at school. ("I'm going back to get my Masters. You won't even notice I am gone. This will have no effect on our family. It will be so quick." Yeah, and in the words of Mr.Krabs- "Yeah, and scallops may fly out of me pants!".)

Second oldest daughter is in a play, that she will perform this week. I am carrying hers and my duties. Son number one lives in his man cave, son number two has a broken arm. Daughter number three, well, we won't go there!

I am right now, exhausted. And kindness has flown the coop. I have been kind and patient all day. I had my preschoolers who were in high gear after vacation, and I have now used all of my kindness. I am bankrupt of kindness. Now all I want is to wiggle my nose like Samantha and they will all be in bed, laundry will be folded, and I will be snuggled under the covers. I want peace. And I want quiet. And I am crabby. Very. Cause I don't have either.

Love is never crabby. Love never answers her children, with "What?????????"

Love has only one child. Jesus. And He is God.

So there.

Love Is Patient

2009-11-29T21:44:00.002-05:00

My Advent walk this year is all about love. Learning how to love better, according to what is written in 1Corinthians Chapter 13. Each day we are studying a different aspect of love, what it is and put it in to practice in our lives.

Today of course we started with love is patient. So I learned something about myself. I get impatient about the littlest, dumbest, things. It is a part of my nature. And when I do get impatient, I am cranky. Things come out of my mouth that should stay put. Even when I am answering and my words aren't nasty, it is my tone that would condemn me in a heartbeat!

Now, having nine children has definitely made me more patient than I used to be. And I learned real quick not to pray for patience, but for strength. You pray for patience, watch out! You will get hit so hard with every situation you could ever become impatient with, you will give up before you start. It seems to me, when I pray for strength, I am gently eased into becoming more patient. I don't know. It just seems not so hard hitting.

The other answer is deep breaths. Take a deep breath and use your head before your mouth. Pray. "God, I really want to hit my (fill in the blank), over the head with an empty bottle of bourbon right now, give me the strength not to do it!"

There is a reason why patience is a virtue. It takes self discipline and skill to have it. Some people seem to have an abundance of it. On my good days I do too.

On my bad, I have a pinch of it. Barely enough for myself, let alone any one else. This is something I have to pray for. I believe that it does not come naturally to our spirits. It goes against our grain and the only way to conquer it, is pray to God. Just beg Him for the virtue.

This is one of those things we cannot do alone. Just not possible.

But with God, all things are possible.

Even when you are carrying up a heavy load of laundry from the basement, your bad knee aching, out of breath, and the four year old is asking you for a cup of milk. And there in the kitchen are two brothers, one sister, and a daddy in a recliner watching the History channel in the next room. If I can be patient in that circumstance, I can start seeing myself as a semi virtuous woman.

Or at least a more patient one.

My Mission

2009-11-28T23:14:00.001-05:00

Today the local new channel came out and did a story on one of our volunteers. This is a small peak into the place I call "home". Just wanted to share with all of you.

Counting My Blessings

2009-11-27T09:35:00.002-05:00

The season has begun. I have not watched my favorite movie yet. "White Christmas" is just such a wonderful, old fashioned movie. I love the old musicals. This one is a classic! So it made sense to me that on Share My Music Friday, I would have to include a song that starts off my Christmas season.

And after yesterday, when we were all counting our blessings, very apropos!

I Am Thankful....

2009-11-26T23:00:00.003-05:00

I have so much to be thankful for. My husband, my children, my family, my whole life. I am thankful for my mission family, especially my spiritual mother. I am thankful that God has given me such a great life to live. I am thankful for the people in my life. For the paths that have crossed because of my wonderful Lord and Savior. I am thankful for old friendships that were renewed this past year, it brought back women in my life that I have loved very much. And I still do.

I thank Him today, and every day. I worship and adore Him. He died for me, He rose for me. And He continues to do even more for me. Though I don't deserve any of it, He gives me so much.

Thank You God. For everything.

Love, Your Daughter, Michelle

Dinner Reservations for about Four Hundred

2009-11-25T23:32:00.002-05:00

I am beat. Again. I had to run around and get things ready for my family's dinner tomorrow. At the same time I also had some mission duties.

Tonight I went to the mission to help with dinner prep for tomorrow's Thanksgiving dinner that will be served to about four hundred people.

I cubed and triangled about fifty pounds of cheese. I also moved tables and set up food stations.

Tomorrow I will rise early and get my own family's dinner prep going.

But when I sit down at my own table, I will feel so good, knowing that in a number of ways, I helped those who might not have had a warm meal, have one. My dinner will taste better because my brothers and sisters will be having a good meal too.

And I helped!

Food Giveaway

2009-11-24T21:34:00.005-05:00

Today was the food giveaway at the mission. I am so drained. It was awesome! I greeted over one thousand people. Yes I did! For four hours I stood in a line and shook hands, blessed people, laughed, talked, hugged, consoled, listened. It was an awesome day. It was cold but not too bad. I warmed a lot of hands. And hopefully, through me, Jesus warmed a lot of hearts.

Many people commented on the St.Benedict cross which I had on, (all the missionaries wear them), many people wanted one. Unfortunately, we can't give them out because we have a limited number of them. If you really feel like the Lord is telling you that you should give it to a certain person, it is best to ask the ladies who work in the office if we have more. I had to turn down many people, probably at least fifty people wanted one. I kept saying no. But then a young girl commented on mine, and as she walked away I felt this sadness in her. I really felt like the Lord wanted me to give it to her.

So at first I am thinking, "Well, I have to ask Barb first, and by the time I go over to the office, this girl will be gone." Two seconds, not even, later, Barb goes by me. I stop her and I say, "Can I give out my cross? Do we have anymore?". Barb says she has to ask Amy. (Our director who was very busy greeting people). I said, "Oh that's okay. Never mind. The person will be gone by then." Barb suddenly said, "No, go ahead. Give it away. I will get you another one."

So now I am trying to get the St. Therese medal off of my chain, because my spiritual mother gave it to me and I didn't want that to be given away. Now, let me tell you, I love my spiritual mother Amy so much. When she gives me things, I cherish them. I have every card she has ever given me. I have had this medal for over four years and it is the only thing on my chain with my cross. It's like having a part of her with me wherever I go.

So I am frantic. This girl is almost out of sight. But I can't get the knot out of the rope that is my chain. It would not budge. And at any second I know that girl will be gone. What should I do? With my heart pounding and tears in my eyes, I realize that God wants me to give it all. Even the medal. So I went outside where the girl was waiting for the chicken to come off the refrigerated truck and I put it around her neck and hugged her. She was so surprised, and I said, "God wanted you to have that." And I walked away.

No, that was not easy. I took my new necklace off today, and I was sad when it didn't clink like it used to when the medal was on it. It was like, "oh yeah, it is gone now." I hope and pray that it blesses that young girl. I hope that today, she will realize how much He loves her.

And me. I am like the little drummer boy. I don't have much to give Him, but today,I gave Him my best.

Know Jesus

2009-11-23T22:13:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking about "knowing" Jesus all day today. I think it is going to mean different things to each one of us. We all are different, so why wouldn't we see Him and relate to Him in different ways. It makes sense to me.

I think that is one of the wonderful things about Him. He has a special relationship with each and every one of us. He knows each one of us intimately, knows what makes us tick. Some will see Him as a gentle brother, some as a loving friend, others as their pillar of strength, like a big brother that protects. We could also have a combination of the above and other views as well. I was thinking that each one of us could see Him as a loving brother, but even how that fits into my life, will be different than yours. Because of experiences, ideas, emotions, backgrounds, everything that makes me - me, and you -you.

Isn't that almost too weird to even comprehend? Maybe you don't even understand what I am trying to say. Argh, it is so hard to explain.

Maybe it is because Jesus is just too wonderful, too mystical to explain. Our hearts understand, when our heads don't quite get it.

No matter, all that's important is that you have some understanding of who He is to you.

Once you have that, you are ready to do anything for Him. I know I am.

Busy Time at the Mission

2009-11-22T20:46:00.003-05:00

This is the beginning of our busy season at the mission. We will be giving out our food bags on Tuesday morning. I love going. My job is to stand in a line with other volunteers and missionaries and greet the people coming in. It is usually quite cold so I hold hands in my warm hands, (we start giving out at 10:30, but they start lining up at 8:00am.), some newbies use gloves on their own hands but I don't like to do that. I think of Blessed Mother Teresa, St. Damien of Molokai, and even St. Francis, who went beyond themselves and touched the sick with their own bare hands. I don't worry about illness or smells. I just love. There is nothing like a warm hand reaching out to ice cold ones. The only time I use gloves is to warm up my own so I can give my warmth to others.

We are also getting ready for Christmas. One of the things that I love about the mission, my missionary brothers and sisters, and my spiritual mother in particular, is that we are a "Christmas" people. We look forward to Christmas music, even when they start playing it a month and a half before Christmas. I love it. Couldn't wait to make a quick mix on Pandora radio that was all different kinds of Christmas music! I just love it. All of it.

We all love the Christmas movies too. One year a bunch of the women missionaries took some of the mission children to see Polar Express. Oh, how we all love that movie. The Santa Clause is another favorite. I also love Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, (although we have to fast forward a couple of spots, unfortunate because that movie is hilarious), A Christmas Story, and Charlie Brown Christmas.

My absolute favorite, White Christmas. I love that movie. I will watch it, no lie, at least four times during this season, more if I can catch it. I do have it on DVD and I think I will start a new tradition, last year we watched it on Thanksgiving, and I think we will do it again this year. My two oldest girls and I watch it together some time during Christmas vacation. They have totally caught my Christmas bug, they both get excited with me when the radio stations start playing Christmas music. And White Christmas is their favorite movie too. The three of us are in love with Bing Crosby. Come on, what a voice that man had!

But put on any sappy Christmas movie while I am working around the house, and I will watch it.

I really think that as the years have gone on, by becoming a missionary, I have become a die hard Christmas person too. Over the next few weeks I will share with you the blessings God always sends to those of us who serve Him in this capacity. It will be such a joy to let others know of God's goodness. We will be very busy getting ready to give 800 families gifts, to help all kinds of other families, it will amaze you if you have never been a part of something like this.

I may also ask my regular readers for special prayer intentions. Please pray for good weather on Tuesday so that people don't have to stand out in the cold.

Thank you in advance for your prayers. Just think of yourselves as prayer warriors for those of us on the front line!

We need you.

Food Packing Day

2009-11-21T23:00:00.004-05:00

Today was food packing day at the mission. We had over 700 volunteers come to help us. You can see what was accomplished. Every family gets three bags. We give them a chicken, we give them squash, apples, carrots,and potatoes. They get mac and cheese, green beans, a dessert and whatever else our director picks up at a good price. We will help over a thousand families. (Buffalo is the second poorest city in the nation.)

Today was heartwarming. To see grownups and teenagers and a few small children working side by side with each other. Amazing. We also get people from protestant denominations who come and help us. It must be a real hoot for them as our church is old time, old fashioned ornate! It is a majestic old church with all the fixins. Stained glass, huge portraits of the saints. John DeRosen was the painter. I love my mission church, just so beautiful!

Especially when the church is full of people, putting food bags together for the poor. It is magnificent!

Needless to say, I am exhausted. It is mine and my husband's job to greet all seven hundred people, get them situated in an orderly fashion and send them to the ladies who give them their jobs. I answered questions, talked about the mission, was a total extrovert.

But even extroverts need time off for good behavior. I just couldn't go to bed until I shared though.

Thank You God for a wonderful day serving You. Your servant is beat.

Goodnight God.

U2, Where the Streets Have No Name

2009-11-20T23:57:00.002-05:00

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Ok. Every week it is something new with trying to get a video on here. But I did it, so this is my contribution to my share my music Friday, even though technically it is Saturday. So what. I did it!

This is my all time favorite U2 song. Just love it! Enjoy.

Argh, running out of time.....

2009-11-20T23:39:00.002-05:00

Got in late, trying to put up music, can't do it!!! Argh, running out of time. Share my music Saturday?

Journey to Love

2009-11-19T22:16:00.004-05:00

We are so very blessed at the mission. We see young men come to volunteer, some stay through high school to help out with the food giveaways, some just come to work in the kitchen, but they come back and come back.

And somewhere along the way, they hear the call to priesthood. We have seen a few young men become ordained who have been in one way or another a part of our ministry at St. Luke's. One of those men who has been recently ordained came back today to celebrate mass with us. Oh, what a joy!

After Mass he prayed over each one of us, and had something for each one of us to pray about. Our own personal message from God.

His words to me were a confirmation of a message I had received earlier in the day during my Adoration time. It made me cry because I knew there was no way those words were from anyone but God! His words spoke directly to my heart. It was so amazing. Especially since I never get a confirmation on things so quickly. But what God is asking of me is very serious, and He wanted me to know He wasn't fooling.

Now, of course, I can't tell you what it was about, because it's between me and the Big Guy upstairs, but I can tell you that it's all about love, and the wonderful journey God is putting me on. I can't wait. Our Advent walk at the mission is all about love, and I am looking forward to getting the packet next week that my spiritual director is putting together for all of us. My spiritual director also is the director of the mission, (she was my spiritual director before I became a missionary and God wanted me to continue with her), so many of us will be doing the walk. It's optional, but I am choosing to do it. This is a busy time of year at the mission, plus getting my own family ready, I love to have something for myself that helps me prepare my heart for Christ's coming.

Tonight I am going to go to bed marvelling at what happened to me. One of the things that I love about God, is that He knows me so intimately, and He reached out to me, to teach me, support me, love me, in exactly the way He knows I will be able to understand that this is from Him. For each one of us, it will be different. Because we are all different. God is so good. What a good Daddy He is!

"I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father, I'm deep in love with You, Lord."
Michael W. Smith

Please pray for one of our newest priests, Fr. Mayer. Venice, Florida is blessed to have him.

Gird Your Loins

2009-11-18T23:11:00.003-05:00

This is a busy time at the mission. Next week we will give out hundreds of bags of food for Thanksgiving. We will then get ready for our toy giveaway. We give toys to literally hundreds of families.

This takes much work, time, energy, prayer. You name it. And sixteen missionaries this year will be doing it. Okay, with a little, no, a lot of help from beautiful volunteers.

And the devil will be after us. He already is.

I just had the weirdest, strangest, up and down day.

I am going to bed with a slight head ache and a thankful heart that I survived today without running away from home. Or commiting a homicide.

S'all I gots today friends.

Please pray for my mission. We are so needed at this time of the year. Pray for us.

It's the time of the year when one of my missionary sisters and I say, "Gird your loins". Cause the devil will try and wreak havoc.

Jesus, I trust in You.

St.Mary Magdalene part 2

2009-11-17T23:09:00.002-05:00

The book I finished reading today, about St. Mary Magdalene is called "The Life and Times of St. Mary Magdalene", by Edith Filliette. I don't know if you can still get a copy, it is old, but really, really good.

It is easy, fast reading, especially if you love her as much as I do. Today made me love her even more. Just to see how much Jesus loves sinners. That is the real story here. She was a sinner, a wide out in the open kind of sinner. But she met Him, and He changed her life. He healed her.

And she was the one He revealed Himself to when He rose from the dead. She was the very first one. Not Peter, not John the beloved apostle, but Mary the sinner. He did that to give us all hope. He came to a reformed sinner, and set her before us as His example of love and mercy. We all have a chance. No matter what we have done. He is so merciful that He forgives us and loves us even more when we turn our lives over to Him, and live for Him alone. Isn't that the best thing you have ever, ever heard.

No matter how much I mess up, He still loves me tenderly. I can go to Him and beg for forgiveness, and He will forgive me, and love me more than I could ever imagine. He gave His life for me. Don't you want to know someone like that, if you don't already. Don't you just want to love Him forever? Go ask Mary Magdalene? She knows all about it. She chose the better portion. And look what gifts she received for that. Her name is known all through history. Jesus said it would be. (I am not a biblical scholar, so go look it up, it's in there!)

Jesus. "Your name is like honey on my lips." Jesus I love You.

Mary Magdalene

2009-11-16T22:41:00.002-05:00

I am reading this book right now that my spiritual director loaned me about Mary Magdalene. I have a great devotion to her for many reasons. I wanted to know more of her story so my spiritual director, who also has a great devotion to her, lent me this book.

For those of you who love to read, you know how when you are really, really getting into a story, fictional or non fiction, and you think about the characters even when you are not reading the book? You are just going through your day, but in the back of your mind is this person you are reading about, and you are examining things about them. Hours after you put the book down, you are still pondering the person's story. Well, that is where I am at.

Mary Magdalene grew to be the kind of woman I hope to be. A woman I strive to be everyday now. A gracious woman. A woman who loved Jesus so much, it didn't matter to her if everyone thought she was nuts or loved to waste money by pouring expensive oils on one man's feet to cleanse them. She did not care one ounce what people thought of her. She loved Him. Deeply, sincerely. She sat at His feet and never moved for hours. She knew her sister Martha was ticked because she was just sitting there while Martha ran around, but she didn't care. She didn't move. She wanted to hear His every word. She loved Him. She believed in Him. And He loved her too.

She had to be drawn to Him by His tender love for her. No man had ever loved her like He did. He loved her soul, her heart. She knew that deep inside, and she would go anywhere to be with Him. She supported Him, cared for Him. She is an amazing woman.

I am really meditating on how absolutely focused she was on Him. Nothing else mattered. When He came to raise her brother from the dead, as soon as Martha told her that He was there, she rose immediately and went to Him. No one else mattered to her the way He did. What a beautiful friendship! What a beautiful, spiritual love they had for each other!

I want to be like that. I am some of the time, but I want to be like that all the time. I think recognizing it is a step towards what I would like to become.

She is one of my all time favorite saints- St. Mary Magdalene, pray for us.

Gracious

2009-11-15T21:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I talked about how I am getting good at ducking when the devil throws something at me. But sometimes, he hits me when I least expect it. Then I have to recover. There was a time, when my recovery time was way too long. I could hold a grudge for days, stew about something for weeks, ignore a person or give them the cold shoulder for months at a time.

But God worked with me on what I call, my recovery time. In some cases I can recover immediately, I have gotten better at letting things slide off my back and I never miss a beat. Sometimes it takes me a few minutes of hootin and a hollerin, and then I get back to normal.(Well, normal for me!)

Today during Mass I was thinking about the art of being gracious. Recently I was reading about St. Thomas Aquinas and how everyone around him for a long time thought he was as dumb as an ox. He never defended himself, which made things worse, they thought he was silent and stupid. The thing that fascinated me about him is that he was smarter than all of them, could have whipped their beehinds in a second. God had gifted him with a great memory. He knew he was smart and gifted, he also knew that they all thought he was stupid. They called him "the dumb ox". But he was humble and figured if God wanted them to know that he was really intelligent, God would show them. And God did.

Saints that act that way are so astounding to me. I can't imagine not defending yourself. But that is the point for me. It's not all about me looking good to others, it is about how I look to God. And if God wants me to look good, or bad or insignificant, well, He's God, and He knows what is best for me. If He only gives me the grace to be humble, I can make it through. My problem is that I have had a fear of people thinking ill of me, of not "liking" me, all of my life. Partly it is hereditary. My mom has always cared about what other people think, and she trained me well! Too well.

So today I asked for the grace to be gracious. Gracious women don't think about how they look to others, they live to make other people look good. Aren't we supposed to trip over ourselves trying to make others look better than ourselves, honoring others? I am going to really be meditating on this for the week during my Adoration time. I really love what God had to say to me today. It makes so much sense to me. Helps me to put myself in perspective. It's that whole, "dying to self" thing again.

And honestly, I don't think losing myself is too much to ask, when I think about what I have to gain. HEAVEN! That's why all the saints were willing to go the extra mile, to forget about themselves, they could see their goal, heaven. Being with God for all eternity. There is nothing better than that. Not money, not prestige, not every one loving me, not looking good to others. None of those things comes close to what we gain when we gain heaven. NOTHING.

It's not going to be easy. I know that. I don't like it at all when someone thinks bad things about me, it is going to take much grace. I already know I will be lying on the floor in front of the tabernacle, crying to Jesus like Faustina used to because she was so hurt sometimes.

But He is my best friend. I have cried to Him before, I will cry to Him again. Not a drop of suffering will be wasted. With God, it is all used for good. Eyes straight ahead, eyes on my own paper.

Goal:HEAVEN

Home Alone

2009-11-14T21:05:00.002-05:00

It's been a strange weekend. My oldest girls, Emily and Liz, and Em's boyfriend Joe, went on a road trip to NYC yesterday. They went for the weekend to visit Liz's boyfriend Alex. He goes to college outside of NYC.

I am jealous. To be young, and in love, and in NYC. Back in June, the hubby and I were old, in love and in NYC. It was so awesome and we fell in love with the city too. It was our first time there. It is the first time my girls have been there too. They have been sending me texts with pics and they are having so much fun. I wish I was there!

At the same time, the hubby left yesterday for a silent retreat at our local abbey. It's his favorite place to be. He loves the silent retreats. We have so much noise in our lives, when we have time for silence, we embrace it. I have been praying for him because he really needed to be on retreat. He is having a well deserved break with God. Our lives are so crazy, with work, the kids, and being a missionary. I get more time alone with God than he does because I get to Adoration everyday. He doesn't have that luxury, so this is like heaven for him. I am jealous though. I could use a retreat too, but I am thankful, very thankful, that my husband has this time with God. It's good for him, it's good for our marriage, it's good for the kids.

So I have been with seven children all weekend. The two oldest at home with me, fourteen and fifteen, are both boys. Do I need to explain this to any moms out there? No, I don't. Boys are just not as helpful as girls. Especially during a Sabres game. But I made it easy on myself. Take out all weekend. Caught up with some laundry, did a few other things, played around on my computer. Prayed for my girls and Dave. I miss the ones that are gone, enjoyed the ones I am with.

I have grown since the beginning of our marriage. There was a time that I would have been resentful. And I would have let my husband know it before he left. I started off slowly, changing my attitude. First I would be resentful and show it. Then I graduated to feeling resentful and hardly showing it. Then there was resentful and only showing it when he came back. Now, I don't feel resentful at all. I can be happy for him, send him on his way with a smile on my face, and even privately, be happy that he has this opportunity. Thank You God.

It was His love that changed me. It was time in Adoration that changed my life. Yes, I still get hit with things by the devil, but I am getting so good at ducking!! St.Michael the Archangel defend us in our day of battle....... always covering myself with the blood of Christ.

God is a good God. Yes He is!

Share My Music Friday

2009-11-13T19:54:00.002-05:00

I was a teen during the disco era. I LOVE this song! I can be having the worst day and hear this song, and it never fails to put me in a good mood. My six year old, Amelia laughed hysterically today when she saw their outfits. She couldn't stop laughing.

She would have really laughed at her mom if she had seen me in my Candies and spaghetti strap dress I wore when I went out dancing! Aaah, those were the days.

God Sees Me

2009-11-12T21:53:00.004-05:00

I am a part of a study group that meets monthly and discusses St. Faustina and her diary. We met tonight for the second time and I think I am going to love it, because it is a small intimate group. We discuss Faustina, we discuss different topics from her diary and we also share our own thoughts.

Tonight we were sharing two things: How do I see God, and how does God see me? This was difficult for me to answer. Not how I see God. That was the easy part. I see Him as the most wonderful thing I could ever imagine, a mystery that is too profound to even describe. He is love, but even stronger than love, just too hard to put into words. A mystery that I will not fully comprehend until I am in heaven.

Now, how does He see me. Well, that depends on the day, my mood, how many times I think that I totally messed up, and whether or not I am understanding of His plan for me. Most of the time, I have absolutely no idea what God thinks of me. I could not answer that question today. There are some days, quite honestly, when I think God loves every one but me. That somehow I have messed things up so badly, even though it is common knowledge that God loves every one, that somehow, He just doesn't love me.

And then there are other times when I feel like one of my favorite songs by a Christian band called Watermark, a song called "Who Am I?". The refrain speaks to my heart:

"Who am I that You would love me so gently?

Who am I that You would recognize my name?

Lord, who am I that You would speak to me so softly,

conversation with the love most high,

Who am I?"

In those moments, I know that He loves me, knows every hair on my head, and wants to give me the desires of my heart. Not because I did anything to deserve it, just because I am His.

After writing that, I feel better already.

In My Weakness

2009-11-11T22:12:00.002-05:00

I love to think about God's goodness. Especially when it comes to thinking about the people He puts into my life. In one of my posts this week I talked about kindred spirits, those people that God brings into my life, and it seems like I just knew them forever. I have only a handful of people like that in my life, and that is the way it should be. Just certain people who are just so precious.

We can't see how God weaves us, how He places people in our life, and sometimes they come in and out. Sometimes there is a connection that we can't see, sometimes the person leaves and then comes back, and the first meeting makes sense then. I have a lot of people in my life like that. I was thinking today that when I die, God is going to show me the tapestry He made of my life, and all of the people I met, how I met them, how long they stayed, it will all make sense. Sometimes right now it doesn't.

But it is exciting to watch. An old friend from college contacted me today, I haven't seen him in at least twenty years. We weren't super close or anything, we had classes together, and a mutual crush on each other, we shared our faith a couple of times, but it never went anywhere and we disappeared from each other's lives. He was a good story to tell my girls cause he was a hunk with blue eyes and blond hair, and he was really nice. I never knew what happened or more like, I didn't know why nothing ever happened, it was just one of those things.

Then one day the Lord put me on his heart, and he felt God pushing him to contact me. Only problem was, he couldn't remember my name. And during prayer, boom, there I was, my name came to mind.

It ends up that this old friend needs a prayer warrior, so here I am , Mrs. Missionary to the rescue. He didn't know that was why he contacted me, but God had a plan. And here we are. I just think it is so awesome how God worked. It is interesting to me.

The important thing for me is to always be open to the workings of the Holy Spirit. We just don't know God's plan. He only reveals it to us, one day at a time.

I am humbled by the fact that He wants to use me at all. So often I feel weak, pathetic and like a big fat cry baby. I wonder how many times God has put His head in His hands over me. Probably more times than I want to know!

But praise God, in my weakness, He is strong. And I count on that every day of my life.

One of my very favorite poems:

2009-11-10T21:11:00.002-05:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;
only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands ee cummings

I was messing around online tonight, thinking of songs and poetry that will forever speak to my heart. I love this poem.

Have you ever met someone whose eyes are deeper than all roses? Someone who knows you so well they can just look at you and no words are needed?

They see right through you to the deepest part of your heart.

That's Jesus.

King's Daughters

2009-11-09T21:55:00.003-05:00

I have a friend who is going through something right now and she has been on my mind the last few days. Her best friend started acting weird and then just kind of dropped her and she is not even sure why. This has left my friend wondering what she did wrong, and though she has tried to talk it over with her, she has come up empty. So now she is left with an empty heart, feeling lonely.

She has other friends, but this was one of her closest. My heart is breaking for her because she still loves this other friend so much, and it is a huge loss for her. She misses her friend and she doesn't know why she left her alone.

Why do we women treat each other that way? Sometimes it is because of jealousy. Sometimes there is a stupid misunderstanding, and then the devil gets in the way and makes things worse, blows things out of proportion. He is always standing by, whispering in our ear, telling us how unloved we are, how other people have it better, etc. He really stinks!

No one can understand us better than our best girlfriend. Not even our husbands understand us the way our "girls" can. Women have like hearts, we are emotional, sentimental creatures. And when we are at our best, this brings us together in a special bond. Growing up my favorite book was Anne of Green Gables, and she would say someone was a "kindred spirit". Those special friends in our lives who know us better than any man, including our husbands will ever know us.

So when we are betrayed by our friends, when they get upset over little silly things, and our friendships go by the wayside, it hits us to our inner core. They are not just rejecting our friendship, they are rejecting "me". That part of me that I only share with my best friend, my kindred spirit. That is what my friend is going through right now. She feels lonely, rejected and unlovable. And there is nothing I can do about it but pray for her.

If only women could put aside jealousy and pettiness and come to love each other and each other's gifts. Each one of us is a unique creation of God. We are His daughters. Isn't that exciting?

We are all a princess in God's kingdom! Let's be grateful for what we have, in ourselves and in each other. Don't let the devil use your pride to divide your good and holy friendships!

We are called to love, and love has no boundaries.

Mother-Daughter Mass and Breakfast

2009-11-08T21:01:00.002-05:00

This is me and my second oldest, Elizabeth. She's a senior at an all girls school and today was our last Mother-Daughter Breakfast. I am going to miss going with her although I have three more daughters to experience this with.

Liz is so much fun. It was nice to meet her friends today, some of them I have met before, but only briefly, you know, when they were on their way out to something. And I realized today that Elizabeth has a gift. She takes girls who are shy and quiet and revs up their life.

Liz is crazy. Funny-crazy. She just gets up and dances and does and says funny things. And her girlfriends giggle and act embarrassed, but secretly, you can tell they love it! She is such a fun loving girl, with a gift to make people laugh.

I am already getting sad because Liz wants to go to school somewhere out of NYC. She will probably be an actress someday, and that is where she needs to be. But I am going to miss her so much. She thinks it's because she cleans for me, unlike the other bums who live in this house. But it's not just because of that.

It's because I just love her so much. I love talking to her and spending time with her. She makes me laugh and she helps me on my most aggravating days and then we get aggravated at the younger children together. And then we stuff ourselves with sponge candy. Liz inherited my absolute love of chocolate. When I have to run to the store at night while she is cleaning the kitchen for me, I almost always come back with a chocolate treat for her. She likes to call me silly names that make me laugh or I will say, "Are you calling me sugar lips?".........

I don't even want to think about it. Today after our Breakfast, I grabbed her and hugged her and told her I didn't want her to go away and she said, "Oh mom, I am still here for another nine months". Nine months goes so quickly. So does childhood. I can still remember her crawling around on the floor and running around my house, dancing like Pocahontas. Why or why do they have to grow up? It's so hard to let go.

I still have nine months and I am not going to waste any opportunity to bribe her with chocolate.

On tomorrow's shopping list: SPONGE CANDY!

Beautiful Leaves

2009-11-07T21:17:00.003-05:00

I love this time of year. The smells, the cool weather, (sweater weather) the beautiful trees. I just love when the trees change colors. Vibrant reds, yellows, oranges, even the brown ones. I just love the way it looks. So cozy and warm. It makes me think of a warm drink, sugary donuts, or apple pie.

So I was thinking about how interesting it is that for the tree to look that beautiful it has to be dying. In its dying the colors become bright and beautiful. So when we look at them, all we see is the beauty, not the dying.

And then I started to think about people. Don't you think that when we die to ourselves we are beautiful to God? It's hard, so hard sometimes to do that. And I also honestly think moms do it more than anyone else. Okay, so I am biased, but still, think about it. We are always putting aside things that we would like to do for the sake of our family. Like right now, I am frantically writing this because Teresa is next to me and just won't go to sleep. She just wants her mommy time. So instead of having the room to myself, sitting quietly with a cup of tea, and the TV off, I have a four year old asking me questions about donuts because of what she is seeing on the food channel! So my compromise, answering questions, typing next to her, so I can at least get something done!!! Not the way I had hoped, but Teresa is my priority right now. I have to die to myself.

I am not so good at it. Maybe I am more like a brown leaf. Not quite as beautiful. I mean, I wish I could do it without resentment and with a smile on my face. I don't always get it down exactly that way! Sometimes I do, but most times, oh, I am fighting this huge battle inside. It is hard to die to yourself. That sounds funny doesn't it. I mean, if it was easy, every one would be doing it, right?

I get better little by little. One of these days I am going to look like a beautiful red leaf to God. But for now, I will put the computer aside and hold my little one in my lap and kiss her sweet face.

Dying to myself, one step at a time.

Sharing My Music Friday

2009-11-06T20:56:00.003-05:00

I am going to start something new. On Fridays I am going to share music that I love. Now, this comes with a warning. I have a hugely eclectic taste. After a few weeks, you will have a whole new view of me, or you may just think, this girl has multiple personality disorder!

My husband, teases me all the time. I love just about every kind of music! I am a poetic person by nature, so I just lock into a song, and my soul just goes crazy.

The song I am sharing today comes from one of my all time favorite singers, Anita Baker. I grew up on Barbra Steisand, Nancy Wilson, the Fifth Dimension. That was when my mom wasn't listening to Supertramp, Elton John, Billy Joel or the soundtrack from Gypsy. (Now you know where I get it from!) I am pretty open minded about my music.

Back to Anita. I love her. Lots of good memories. The song Dave and I first danced to was an Anita Baker song, "Giving You the Best That I Got".

Today I am sharing my all time favorite Anita song. Watch it once just because she is so awesome, the second time, close your eyes and let her beautiful voice take you for a ride.
My children have heard me singing this song at the top of my lungs. Not as great as Anita but they get a kick out of it!

Enjoy-

Bickering

2009-11-05T21:43:00.002-05:00

I am weary. I am tired. If I hear one more child arguing with another child I am running away from home. I can't take it anymore.

From the moment they get out of bed, until the time they go to sleep, my children are bickering with each other. I know that with nine of them, eight still living at home, it is to be expected. But some times I feel like putting my head against the wall and hitting myself with a blunt instrument. I just had one of those days where I thought I was going to totally lose it at any second.

And they argue about really, really important things. Like who threw the chip on the floor. How many minutes Joseph has been on the computer. Who crumbled up Amelia's 100th piece of artwork. He ate the last cookie, who drank all the pop, mom said I could go to the bathroom first, who took the garbage out last, how many cups did Tyler leave in the room compared to Jacob, and who took the pack of smarties that was under John Paul's pillow? The list goes on and on. As many hours as there is in a day, that is how my children can fill it with mindless, mind numbing, brain squeezing, endless bickering.

I especially love when they are bickering about something they shouldn't be playing with any way. "Mom, John Paul is using Dad's lighter from the fireplace to light up moths and I wanted to see if I could burn worms instead!!!" Aaargh!

It's enough to drive a sane person crazy. Maybe I was insane to begin with, after all, I went ahead and had nine of them!!! Sometimes I will hear myself yelling out the craziest things like:"I don't care if you wanted to burn worms, your brother was using it on the moths first!" Or, "I don't care if he kicked you first, get your feet off your brother's head." Things you never expected to hear yourself saying as a mother.

I am going to write a book someday about raising a large family. And I will tell you this much: it will not be a pretty little book about how I have all of my children ready in the van fifteen minutes ahead of schedule, girls in long dresses and boys in dress shirts and ties, all singing "Amazing Grace" in five part harmony. No, no that is not the real world of large families my friends.

No, my story will be one of how as we are running out the door, already five minutes late, two sisters are bickering with each other because one has the other one's shirt on, and she didn't even ask, the little girls are arguing over who gets to sit next to Jacob, Joe and John are fighting over a hand held game, Tyler is bickering with me because he wants to stay home, and my husband, who only wants five minutes of silence, has now exploded.

He will get his five minutes of silence, only broken by the two little sisters who found a tootsie roll in the seat and they both want it......

Not Franciscan Material

2009-11-04T21:09:00.003-05:00

I have been writing some pretty heavy duty stuff lately so today I thought I would write something silly. It actually stems from a comment that one of my followers left on my last post. Sr. Ann Marie thought I sounded Franciscan and in some ways I probably am. But I would totally fail St. Francis 101 when it comes to the animal thing.

Okay. It's not that I hate animals or anything. I like them in the zoo, or a park, or in someone else's home, but I do not like animals in my house. Unfortunately, my husband does. Dave grew up with animals in his house, mostly dogs, although I think there may have been some birds in there, and the frog that came for a visit and ended up flying over the back fence, but that is for another time. Suffice to say, he loves animals in the house. I do not.

Over the years we have had many. He started me off slow. There were the little salamanders that we had to buy crickets for. I liked them because they were contained, and I didn't have to clean their doo doo. Unfortunately, my hubby barely has time to gulp down his own food, much less travel to a pet store to buy the crickets. And no way was I going to go and pick out the munch and crunch for those things. They actually have small, medium and large crickets. Do you want a pepsi with that?

Gone. Then there were guinea pigs that squealed every time I opened the front door and walked through it. They knew that I was the one that fed them. So they would hear me, smell me, or just hope to goodness gracious it was me, and then they would make the most annoying sounds to get me to feed them. They also liked to kick up the stuff you put on the bottom of their cage to sleep and poop on. Do you know how many times I almost broke my neck racing to get to a crawling baby who thought he or she had lucked out and found a small chocolate nugget within their reach? Yeah, not so good.

Blessedly, they don't live real long. Bye bye guinea pigs. We had two dogs. The first one had "issues", and ended up nipping at poor John Paul who was just a toddler. The second one was just a puppy who came from a bad litter, dad was a German Shepherd, mom was a Beagle, and well, just think about that hook up folks. Didn't make for good puppies. Jack was out of control, a nippy kind of dog that the children ran from. No one ever wanted to take him out or basically do anything with him. It was awful. Again, my husband who doesn't have time to tie his own shoes, really didn't have time to train this thing, and hey, I had seven kids at the time, I did not have time for the dog. No one except for my hubby and the oldest were sad to see him go. I had to keep him in the garage to protect the kids so they really didn't bother with him. Three months after he was driven down the long country road to the SPCA, Mary at the dinner table asked us, "Hey, where's Jack?" Uh, Mary, he's been gone for three months. Yes, real observant that one.

We have had a bearded dragon. The cricket problem again. Nuff said.

Now we have cats. I intensely dislike them. That's all cats do is lick themselves. Everywhere. It's gross. Their cat litter is near my laundry area, and I kid you not, the one cat, does her business every time I am downstairs doing laundry. They eat like pigs and when it comes out, ooh, not smelling so good. So there I am , the one who can't stand animals in the house, doing every one's laundry and smelling the cat's well, you know what. Cats are not like dogs. Cats think it's okay to climb up on your counters and dining room table. Cause they can. Dogs can't do that and give up trying. Cats don't care if you are coming after them with a kitchen knife in one hand and the food processor in the other, they will look back at you and when you can almost reach them they run away and hide under the couch. And then when you are a safe distance they will come out, perch themselves and their stinky butts on the top of your couch, and commence licking themselves.

My plan is to outlive them all, especially my husband and the cats. Then I will move into a nice, neat, little apartment that will smell of cinnamon and baked cookies.

And if I die before them, well, look for me next to the incense. I am determined to have the best smelling spot in heaven.

St. Francis pray for us.

Did you ever.........?

2009-11-03T22:31:00.002-05:00

Did you ever have one of those days, where you just wanted to cry for humanity? Not for political reasons, not for the shape of the world, or how immoral we have become, although there are days when I feel like bawling my eyes out about that.

What I mean is, a day when you can feel your connectedness with other human beings, your soul can feel people's pain. It's hard to describe but every once in awhile I have a day where I just feel such sorrow. I think about moms who have lost their children, I think about people, just regular people who had dreams about their lives and lost that dream, I think about people trying so hard to make it, trying so hard just to survive. People who are misunderstood, unloved, and sad.

And I cry about the bittersweet. The beauty of people, the joy of watching a child grow, two friends meeting after a long time apart.

So much in life to enjoy and to cry over. Here we all are, just God's creatures. But we all have feelings, emotions, hurts and joys, sadness, pain, and happiness. Doesn't matter who we are, how different we all are, because each one of us in unique. We come from different backgrounds, different faiths, different cultures.

Yet we are all one because of the One God who created us. He unifies us by being our Creator. We really are all brothers and sisters. It is a wondrous mystery.

And it makes me cry.