Home Alone

It's been a strange weekend. My oldest girls, Emily and Liz, and Em's boyfriend Joe, went on a road trip to NYC yesterday. They went for the weekend to visit Liz's boyfriend Alex. He goes to college outside of NYC.

I am jealous. To be young, and in love, and in NYC. Back in June, the hubby and I were old, in love and in NYC. It was so awesome and we fell in love with the city too. It was our first time there. It is the first time my girls have been there too. They have been sending me texts with pics and they are having so much fun. I wish I was there!

At the same time, the hubby left yesterday for a silent retreat at our local abbey. It's his favorite place to be. He loves the silent retreats. We have so much noise in our lives, when we have time for silence, we embrace it. I have been praying for him because he really needed to be on retreat. He is having a well deserved break with God. Our lives are so crazy, with work, the kids, and being a missionary. I get more time alone with God than he does because I get to Adoration everyday. He doesn't have that luxury, so this is like heaven for him. I am jealous though. I could use a retreat too, but I am thankful, very thankful, that my husband has this time with God. It's good for him, it's good for our marriage, it's good for the kids.

So I have been with seven children all weekend. The two oldest at home with me, fourteen and fifteen, are both boys. Do I need to explain this to any moms out there? No, I don't. Boys are just not as helpful as girls. Especially during a Sabres game. But I made it easy on myself. Take out all weekend. Caught up with some laundry, did a few other things, played around on my computer. Prayed for my girls and Dave. I miss the ones that are gone, enjoyed the ones I am with.

I have grown since the beginning of our marriage. There was a time that I would have been resentful. And I would have let my husband know it before he left. I started off slowly, changing my attitude. First I would be resentful and show it. Then I graduated to feeling resentful and hardly showing it. Then there was resentful and only showing it when he came back. Now, I don't feel resentful at all. I can be happy for him, send him on his way with a smile on my face, and even privately, be happy that he has this opportunity. Thank You God.

It was His love that changed me. It was time in Adoration that changed my life. Yes, I still get hit with things by the devil, but I am getting so good at ducking!! St.Michael the Archangel defend us in our day of battle....... always covering myself with the blood of Christ.

God is a good God. Yes He is!

Share My Music Friday

I was a teen during the disco era. I LOVE this song! I can be having the worst day and hear this song, and it never fails to put me in a good mood. My six year old, Amelia laughed hysterically today when she saw their outfits. She couldn't stop laughing.

She would have really laughed at her mom if she had seen me in my Candies and spaghetti strap dress I wore when I went out dancing! Aaah, those were the days.

God Sees Me

I am a part of a study group that meets monthly and discusses St. Faustina and her diary. We met tonight for the second time and I think I am going to love it, because it is a small intimate group. We discuss Faustina, we discuss different topics from her diary and we also share our own thoughts.

Tonight we were sharing two things: How do I see God, and how does God see me? This was difficult for me to answer. Not how I see God. That was the easy part. I see Him as the most wonderful thing I could ever imagine, a mystery that is too profound to even describe. He is love, but even stronger than love, just too hard to put into words. A mystery that I will not fully comprehend until I am in heaven.

Now, how does He see me. Well, that depends on the day, my mood, how many times I think that I totally messed up, and whether or not I am understanding of His plan for me. Most of the time, I have absolutely no idea what God thinks of me. I could not answer that question today. There are some days, quite honestly, when I think God loves every one but me. That somehow I have messed things up so badly, even though it is common knowledge that God loves every one, that somehow, He just doesn't love me.

And then there are other times when I feel like one of my favorite songs by a Christian band called Watermark, a song called "Who Am I?". The refrain speaks to my heart:

"Who am I that You would love me so gently?

Who am I that You would recognize my name?

Lord, who am I that You would speak to me so softly,

conversation with the love most high,

Who am I?"

In those moments, I know that He loves me, knows every hair on my head, and wants to give me the desires of my heart. Not because I did anything to deserve it, just because I am His.

After writing that, I feel better already.

In My Weakness

I love to think about God's goodness. Especially when it comes to thinking about the people He puts into my life. In one of my posts this week I talked about kindred spirits, those people that God brings into my life, and it seems like I just knew them forever. I have only a handful of people like that in my life, and that is the way it should be. Just certain people who are just so precious.

We can't see how God weaves us, how He places people in our life, and sometimes they come in and out. Sometimes there is a connection that we can't see, sometimes the person leaves and then comes back, and the first meeting makes sense then. I have a lot of people in my life like that. I was thinking today that when I die, God is going to show me the tapestry He made of my life, and all of the people I met, how I met them, how long they stayed, it will all make sense. Sometimes right now it doesn't.

But it is exciting to watch. An old friend from college contacted me today, I haven't seen him in at least twenty years. We weren't super close or anything, we had classes together, and a mutual crush on each other, we shared our faith a couple of times, but it never went anywhere and we disappeared from each other's lives. He was a good story to tell my girls cause he was a hunk with blue eyes and blond hair, and he was really nice. I never knew what happened or more like, I didn't know why nothing ever happened, it was just one of those things.

Then one day the Lord put me on his heart, and he felt God pushing him to contact me. Only problem was, he couldn't remember my name. And during prayer, boom, there I was, my name came to mind.

It ends up that this old friend needs a prayer warrior, so here I am , Mrs. Missionary to the rescue. He didn't know that was why he contacted me, but God had a plan. And here we are. I just think it is so awesome how God worked. It is interesting to me.

The important thing for me is to always be open to the workings of the Holy Spirit. We just don't know God's plan. He only reveals it to us, one day at a time.

I am humbled by the fact that He wants to use me at all. So often I feel weak, pathetic and like a big fat cry baby. I wonder how many times God has put His head in His hands over me. Probably more times than I want to know!

But praise God, in my weakness, He is strong. And I count on that every day of my life.

One of my very favorite poems:

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens;
only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands ee cummings

I was messing around online tonight, thinking of songs and poetry that will forever speak to my heart. I love this poem.

Have you ever met someone whose eyes are deeper than all roses? Someone who knows you so well they can just look at you and no words are needed?

They see right through you to the deepest part of your heart.

That's Jesus.

King's Daughters

I have a friend who is going through something right now and she has been on my mind the last few days. Her best friend started acting weird and then just kind of dropped her and she is not even sure why. This has left my friend wondering what she did wrong, and though she has tried to talk it over with her, she has come up empty. So now she is left with an empty heart, feeling lonely.

She has other friends, but this was one of her closest. My heart is breaking for her because she still loves this other friend so much, and it is a huge loss for her. She misses her friend and she doesn't know why she left her alone.

Why do we women treat each other that way? Sometimes it is because of jealousy. Sometimes there is a stupid misunderstanding, and then the devil gets in the way and makes things worse, blows things out of proportion. He is always standing by, whispering in our ear, telling us how unloved we are, how other people have it better, etc. He really stinks!

No one can understand us better than our best girlfriend. Not even our husbands understand us the way our "girls" can. Women have like hearts, we are emotional, sentimental creatures. And when we are at our best, this brings us together in a special bond. Growing up my favorite book was Anne of Green Gables, and she would say someone was a "kindred spirit". Those special friends in our lives who know us better than any man, including our husbands will ever know us.

So when we are betrayed by our friends, when they get upset over little silly things, and our friendships go by the wayside, it hits us to our inner core. They are not just rejecting our friendship, they are rejecting "me". That part of me that I only share with my best friend, my kindred spirit. That is what my friend is going through right now. She feels lonely, rejected and unlovable. And there is nothing I can do about it but pray for her.

If only women could put aside jealousy and pettiness and come to love each other and each other's gifts. Each one of us is a unique creation of God. We are His daughters. Isn't that exciting?

We are all a princess in God's kingdom! Let's be grateful for what we have, in ourselves and in each other. Don't let the devil use your pride to divide your good and holy friendships!

We are called to love, and love has no boundaries.

Mother-Daughter Mass and Breakfast

This is me and my second oldest, Elizabeth. She's a senior at an all girls school and today was our last Mother-Daughter Breakfast. I am going to miss going with her although I have three more daughters to experience this with.

Liz is so much fun. It was nice to meet her friends today, some of them I have met before, but only briefly, you know, when they were on their way out to something. And I realized today that Elizabeth has a gift. She takes girls who are shy and quiet and revs up their life.

Liz is crazy. Funny-crazy. She just gets up and dances and does and says funny things. And her girlfriends giggle and act embarrassed, but secretly, you can tell they love it! She is such a fun loving girl, with a gift to make people laugh.

I am already getting sad because Liz wants to go to school somewhere out of NYC. She will probably be an actress someday, and that is where she needs to be. But I am going to miss her so much. She thinks it's because she cleans for me, unlike the other bums who live in this house. But it's not just because of that.

It's because I just love her so much. I love talking to her and spending time with her. She makes me laugh and she helps me on my most aggravating days and then we get aggravated at the younger children together. And then we stuff ourselves with sponge candy. Liz inherited my absolute love of chocolate. When I have to run to the store at night while she is cleaning the kitchen for me, I almost always come back with a chocolate treat for her. She likes to call me silly names that make me laugh or I will say, "Are you calling me sugar lips?".........

I don't even want to think about it. Today after our Breakfast, I grabbed her and hugged her and told her I didn't want her to go away and she said, "Oh mom, I am still here for another nine months". Nine months goes so quickly. So does childhood. I can still remember her crawling around on the floor and running around my house, dancing like Pocahontas. Why or why do they have to grow up? It's so hard to let go.

I still have nine months and I am not going to waste any opportunity to bribe her with chocolate.

On tomorrow's shopping list: SPONGE CANDY!